[And randomly] ( 09-02-2003    11:01pm ) mood  -  dorky music  -  Something Corporate; 'You're Gone' [Scanners are my friend, yes. New layout. New icons. Fun all around.] cmnt.

What did I expect ( 09-02-2003    12:49am ) mood  -  depressed music  -  Matchbook Romance; 'Lovers and Liars' I'm back. Not that you really care, I'm sure. I did not have a good time. I do not want to talk about it. My brother flew back here with me. If your curious mind needs to know anything, that should say all you ever need to know. .4 - cmnt.

Hangin on with baited breath ( 08-26-2003    11:45am ) mood  -  excited music  -  The New Amsterdams; 'Hover Near Fame' I'm beginning to think I'm a lot more excited about going home than I perhaps should be. But there are so many positives in regards to this little adventure that it's hard to feel anything but excited. I'm going to be spending time with all of my siblings, and I will not have to worry about facing Marcus or Sylvia, seeing as I'm sleeping on Tom's couch. Not to mention that Tom's friends are insane, and that will undoubtedly equal a massively insane party full of every kind of liqour one can fathom. That in itself perhaps is a very a large factor in the excitement. I'll be with three of the people who I love most in this world, getting piss drunk, and not having to worry about a fucking thing while I do it. If that isn't freedom, I honestly don't know what is. I picked up Tom's gift last night. I won't go into details of it, because quite frankly, I got a little mushy about it this year. I've been through so much hell and he's been there every step of the way, and I don't know what I could ever do to repay him for it all. I just hope something that could bring him memories, good and bad, will be enough to say thank you. That, and I'm reimbursing him for my flight, though I'm sure I'll find the money stuffed into a pocket of a pair of jeans upon my arrival back at Dover on Monday. That's just Tom. After grabbing his gift, I swung into Wendy's, since they're open late and all, and got myself two double cheeseburgers before heading back to campus. I made a detour to Cali's room to see what my favorite college girl was up to. We shared the fries then headed out into the courtyard where a small group ended up assembling. We met someone by the name of Holly, who plays guitar and sings. She's really not all that bad. Cali and I ran back to our respective rooms and grabbed our guitars before joining everyone back in the courtyard. I sang, too, a song I'd been writing in my head for a long time, but never really got around to completing until recently. It's mostly for Devon, and the rest of it is for me. It digs into my insecurities and the way I rely on him, the way I need him. I only wish he'd been awake to hear it. Cali went after me and that was about all it took for her walls to come down. I held her as she cried, assuring her everything would be okay. It will be okay, I know this for sure, because Cali is owed nothing less. After getting her calmed down, I followed her back to her room and made sure she was still okay before heading back to mine. Not much after, I got a call from Tyler and snuck out to the courtyard, scaring him. We talked for a while, about terribly random things. After he went to bed, I headed out for a drive and stopped in at a diner I happened to spot some time ago but never made it in to. The place was, for the most part, deserted. I wonder why they even run it twenty-four-seven in a town like this, but hey, that's not my place. I ordered a plate of biscuits and gravy and had a nice conversation over cigarettes and bottomless mugs of coffee with the waitress. Her name was Debbie. We talked mostly about love. She spotted the band on my finger and informed me I looked a little too young to be married. I told her all about Devon, and while she seemed rather disconcerted at first, she warmed up to my story quickly, and soon wanted to know everything I could tell her. When I was done, she launched into her own story about her first husband Frank and her second husband Teddy, with whom she's still happily married. It was a nice conversation, and I stayed long, long after I'd finished eating to make sure it continued. The tip I left her was more than double that of what I had to pay for the food and coffee combined, and I left quickly after setting it down, because she would have refused such an amount. But it wasn't just for the food. It was for her company. I took a long drive around town afterwards, pulling over to the side of the road for a while, watching the sun begin it's ascent in the eastern sky. It was a beautiful sight, one I wish I could have shared with Devon. Before heading back to campus, I stopped at a donut place and bought four and the biggest cup of coffee they sold. Three of the four donuts and the coffee was gone but the time I got back to Dover, and the fourth I shared with Devon, who woke as I walked back in. I'm not sure what exactly made me consume so much food in such a short period of time, but I coudl certainly stand to put on the weight. I never really gained back all of what I lost when I was nourishing myself with sleepless nights and bottles of whatever liqour I could get my hands on, so I could certainly stand to put a little more weight on. I'm uncharacteristically happy right now, and I like the feeling a lot. I tell you now that you shouldn't exactly get used to it, but enjoy it while it's here. I am. .10 - cmnt.

Was it all in my head ( 08-25-2003    8:56am ) mood  -  exhausted music  -  The Agency; 'Lay it Down' I feel better now. After spending more sleepless nights than I thought I could ever live through, I came to a conclusion this morning. It was maybe four thirty, and Devon woke from a dream, scared to death that I was gone. I was anything but - I was sitting at my desk, trying to figure out just how the hell I was ever going to get through all of this without temporarily losing my sanity. Devon and I talked, and I came to my epiphany. I'm so comfortable in Devon, in my relationship with him, and in us, that I can allow myself to sort of end up with a crush on someone else simply because I know when this new attraction gives out, he's going to be there waiting to hold me again, whispering he loves me, and he's going to do his best to chase away my demons. That's done amazing things for me in the last five or so hours. It made me understand just how deeply I trusted him again, and how convinced I am that I'm going to be with him until the end. I hope he looks at it this way, too, because the last thing I want is for to him to think I'm going to run around and prance about, trying to garner the affections of every handsome man I run into. That's not who I am, or who I will ever be. I suppose there are just times that I try to cover so many parts of my heart at once that I leave some place vulnerable. He just so happened to break those walls down and creep in. I found him in the courtyard not much later, both of us haunted by the memory of what had been, and undoubtedly what could have been. We got it out of the way, though, and I'm hoping that upon my return from my visit to home for my brother's birthday, we will return to drives around town and playing those crazy hide-and-seek hallway games, and maybe...just maybe...more rebellious sneaking into the school's pool far past it's closing time. I could only be so lucky. There was something else I'd wanted, but that will wait, mostly because I'm miserably shy, and partly because in the midst of the easy conversation we'd slipped into, that had slipped my mind. It will be done before my plane departs at 6 AM on Wednesday morning, of that I must make sure. As well, in our conversation, I learned that apparently that are more than two people (i.e. him and Devon) who think that I'm apparently attractive. That whole deplorable self-consciousness comes into play here, and I abdicate any truth there is to that. I hardly believe that much of anyone would exactly find me remotely attractive, especially compared to most everyone else who attends this school. Sorry. But that's rather impossible - at least in my opinion. I happened across Calista in the courtyard as well. It seems as though we were both going through a difficult time. Aidan left and though she didn't say much on the subject, it's obviously killing her inside. I feel terrible, because I know what it's like to lose that someone who becomes your everything - who winds their way so deeply into your soul that they truly do become who you are; your better half, if you will. I pray that she's as lucky and blessed as I have been and that Aidan comes back to her. He better, if he knows what's good for him. And, since they're all the rage this season.... I look like the socially rejected retard I am, do I not? Confusion is my best friend, apparently. Have I mentioned recently that Devon is painstakingly beautiful? Because yes. He is. And now...I'm going to start my goddamn vacation and go the fuck to sleep. How lovely that will be. .24 - cmnt.

Temptation's made me blind ( 08-23-2003    5:45am ) mood  -  lost music  -  The Wallflowers; 'Empire in my Mind' I haven't seen him since that night. I haven't talked to him. I've tried not to think about him. It hurts. I need to. I know that. I know we need to set things straight. I know I need to understand that everything is okay. But I can't bring myself to walk to his dorm or to call him. It's as though I'm afraid it's going to happen again. I'm afraid I'd want it to. I haven't really talked to Devon much. I hurt him, and I'm hurting him still by locking myself away in the recesses of my mind, but I don't know what else to do. I'd like to open up to him about this. I'd like to be able to talk this over with him, but I don't know what there is to say that hasn't already been said. I did try to talk about it with someone, but that got me a whole lot of nowhere. That just makes it harder on me, knowing when I try to reach out for someone, I lose my grip as soon as I'm close enough to grab their hand. Wednesday can't be here soon enough. I need to go home. I need to be alone. I need to escape myelf. I need Tom. I need him to make me okay again. .4 - cmnt.

I hope you understand that I can't stay here anymore ( 08-21-2003    1:26am ) mood  -  nauseated music  -  Alkaline Trio; 'Bloodied Up' I make myself sick. There's no other way to put it. I look at myself and I feel sick. I push myself constantly to do the right thing. To do what's right for myself. And then just when I'm beginning to win the war with myself, something comes along and I'm defeated all over again, trying to find the reserves to build new back-up forces. I was winning this time. I was so close to victory, to finally just being the person I figured I could be. I found my place in David's life and recalled my place in Devon's. I had a place in other's lives, too, and I had people I could rely on. I could smile every day without it feeling like I put it on my face to persuade others I was fine, I could handle myself, thanks for the concern. I could laugh. I could live without the constant worry of what I'd face when I got back to Devon, what new obstacle would be thrown in our way today. For a short time, I was just a boy who had a family, friends, and who was in love. Now I'm laying on the battlefield again, dying once more and begging for backup. It's not his fault. Or his. It's my fault. I let it go down the way it did. I let it get that far. I let myself drown in the attention and I even let myself continue to play this game with him. I admit easily that I need affection. I need it desperately. Even if I push it away, I need it. And I let myself fall too much into his. And the fact that neither one of them are putting the blame on me for this makes my head spin. It is my fault. I let this happen. I let myself hurt both of them. I hate them for not hating me. I hate them for not being as disgusted in me as I am in myself. I hate myself for doing this. .32 - cmnt.

( 08-19-2003    8:44pm ) mood  -  guilty music  -  The Postal Service; 'Clark Gable' I'm sorry. I don't know what else to tell you. Or you. .1 - cmnt.

Nowhere else that I wanted to be ( 08-18-2003    12:21am ) mood  -  ecstatic music  -  The Wallflowers; 'Closer to You' So it's over. I don't think I've ever had a better day in my life. Actually, yes, I have, but that ruins the magic, so for now, I'll pretend. I woke to a phone call from Tomas saying he'd paid for my ticket and that I needn't worry about reimbursing him. We talked for a little and he told me that Nik and Kat were going to be waiting for me at the airport. Knowing I'll be able to see my brother and sister without having to sneak around Marcus and Sylvia is an incredible feeling. I've missed them more than I think anyone can know, and to have them be the first friendly faces I'll see upon my visit to Ohio excites me beyond comprehension. It shows me that the part of my family I ever desired to be with still want me around. I can't even explain how incredible that feels. He also wished me good luck today and I wonder how he even knew. Then again, he's big brother Tom, and therefore, I don't question. So with this bit of news to start my day with, it was off to the skatepark for the last day of the tournament. I watched a lot of the early warmups and started to get nervous because I figured, after yesterday, I blew my chances, and these were the kids who hadn't and they were on. Dead. On. I went to talk to Devon for a minute in hopes it'd calm my nerves a little. He kissed me and told me he was proud of me and I wasn't nervous anymore. I did pretty well my first heat. I was still a little cold and working out the last of the jitters. Just before my second run, I glanced over at Devon and got the shock of my life. Sitting beside him was David, Troy and Russell. Troy and Russell waved manically. David just gave me a nod and a smile, and somehow, I knew what he was telling me. Maybe it was the smile, or maybe it was the way his eyes, that mirrored green image that stared back at me, smiled too... Whatever it was, he was telling me words I'd never heard in my life that I had always wished Marcus would say to me. 'Go get 'em, son.' And, that I did. I am officially one of the top three skateboarders in Vermont. You'll have to guess which. David took us out to celebrate. I've never felt more a part of a family than I did tonight. Russell and Troy helped me relive all my 'awesome tricks' with awe. They've vowed to become as good as me now. After dinner, David and I went for a walk while Devon took Troy and Russ to the arcade down the street. We were quiet at first, just ejoying the night, and he seemed to be as proud of my accomplishment as I was. The first thing he brought up was Devon. How happy we were and how it was amazing we were so comfortable in our relationship. I told him that was, at the moment, pretty damn far from the truth. I told him what happened, how he hurt me and how I hurt him. He told me how strong of a person I was, allowing Devon back into my life this way, allowing myself to forgive and start the process of moving on. 'Any normal man, Dominik, would have packed up and gone to search for a meaningless tryst somewhere else. You're not a normal man. You're better than that. Exemplary. I'm proud of you.' I almost stopped then. Stopped and begged him to let me be his son, let me be a part of his life. No one has made me feel so good about myself in so many different ways. I wanted to hug him, I wanted to cry, I wanted to call him 'Dad.' I wanted him to be Dad. My Dad. My pride's a bitch though, and I simply thanked him and told him I believed that I loved Devon enough...that Devon has proved on so many occasions, that he deserved a chance, and I felt that I deserved a chance to love him the way he needed me to. Not much later, he switched the conversation to my obvious curiosity as to why he was back in Vermont. Vacation. They have a summer home out here but could only make it for a week this year. He and the boys decided it'd be fun to pay me a visit. When he realized I wasn't there, they left. He noticed a sign for the competition and figured that's exactly where I'd be. He told me he'd, above all else, come out because, after many many nights of conversations with his wife and some with the boys, they wanted to bring me into their family as their son. Wait a minute, back up, wasn't that just what I wanted to beg and plead for? Was I hearing things? He told me it was my choice, there was no pressure, I'd have as long as wanted to consider. Consider? Consider what? It's not like I had anyone else who wanted me to be their son before. I told him I didn't need to think about it, that I accepted. He stopped, I stopped, and he told me I did realize now that that meant coming out to Ohio for birthdays and holidays and actually keeping in touch. I laughed. He laughed. He hugged me, he kissed the top of my head, and he said, 'welcome to the family, son.' That time I did cry. I can't sleep yet. I'm still excited. I'm still amazed. I feel like I'm on top of the fucking world. I made something out of myself. I'm proud of myself. I'm in love. I'm a part of a family. What more could a boy from Ohio want? For this boy .... it's nothing. cmnt.

I am thinking it's a sign ( 08-16-2003    2:21am ) mood  -  pleased music  -  The Postal Service; 'Such Great Heights' Tony Hawk I am not. But goddamn I'm good. It's funny for me to think that same kids I was skating with for the last some odd months that left me in awe, are now the ones being amazed by me. We were laughing after the first heat that I'd been holding back and probably laughing at them the whole time. Which is completely false. I suppose I just work better when I have something to prove. Not to peers, or to judges, but really, to myself. Today, I proved it to everyone. I've never really been so completely and unwaveringly proud of myself, but I am now. I wasn't perfect, and I'm okay with that, because I was better than I thought I could be. Everyone who judged me from the moment they saw me and had it in their heads that I wouldn't even come close - I was able to throw that in their face, and that made me feel really fucking good. I know the rest of the weekend might be a bust for me, but I'll be okay with that, too. Taking second today is an accomplishment I can carry with me for the rest of my life. Now I just wish I could feel this confident about myself off a skateboard. .2 - cmnt.

( 08-14-2003    6:27pm ) mood  -  nervous music  -  Armor for Sleep; 'Kind of Perfect' And tomorrow...it begins. I really hope I don't blow this. .1 - cmnt.

My heart is all used up ( 08-13-2003    3:44am ) mood  -  satiated music  -  The Wallflowers; 'Mourning Train' And to think I was looking forward to going out to eat. Then again, watching Devon struggle with the order was well worth staying in for. Sometimes I wonder why I resist so much. The rest of the time, I know. We talked tonight. And I think we finally straightened some things out, things that I needed to be straightened out. I think the biggest downfall is that he pushed me so hard when I retracted, when I pushed him. And the more he pushed back, the further I crawled into myself and the harder I pushed back. I can't operate that way. If I retract like that, it's because I need to. I need to feel confident enough in what I find with whatever situation it is I'm facing before I can go to somebody and ask for their help. I don't do that often, but you can't push me to do it either. Otherwise, I'll just frustrate the fuck out of you. I think he knows that know, and I think he finally understands that no matter how strong his desire to help me, I can only be helped if I want to be. Here's to hoping, anyway. cmnt.

Somethin to do with my idle hands ( 08-12-2003    1:23pm ) mood  -  blank music  -  The New Amsterdams; 'Near California' I've got these problems. Where I know what I want to say, but I just don't know how to say it. I've been dealing with that a lot recently. I'll have all these thoughts running through my head, and I just can't get them out. I can't find the right words for release. I'm sure everyone has that problem, but it's particularly frustrating for me. I've been spending a lot of time with Tyler. I know I've sung his praises, but he deserves it. He's a great guy. It hasn't been long, but already, I can't see myself without his companionship. He makes me smile in ways nobody else can. He always the pick-me-up I need when I stumble and I don't know how to thank him for that. We had a long talk last night, and we got onto the subject of trust. And I realized how easy it was for me to trust him. That scares me. The only other person I've trusted this quickly is Devon. And while, for now, I'm keepin Tyler at a fairly safe distance, after finding myself trusting him in a way I trust very few, I told him I'd tell him the story, if he ever wanted to sit around and listen to me bitch and let me get all emo for awhile. It felt good to be able to make some of a joke of it, too. Maybe it's not bothering me as much as it used to. As for Devon...I don't know where to go on that subject. Sometimes things are okay, sometimes things aren't. It's hard, and it confuses the fuck out of me. It's frustrating to be in love with him sometimes, and I'm scared that that's going to present itself as a huge problem. Is it selfish of me to just want everything to be back to normal again? In any case, Chloe owns. I'm using her favorite icon. I love you, Chloizzle. .1 - cmnt.

Can't you see I'm doin the best I can do ( 08-07-2003    1:39am ) mood  -  optimistic music  -  Hot Rod Circuit; 'Supersad' I've noticed that the resiliancy of some people is amazing. I'm beginning to notice that within myself. There were more moments than I want to remember that I was ready to throw in the towel and see if the afterlife was all that it's cracked up to be. Not to say I'm suicidal. In fact, I'm terrified of dying. But after being as broken down as I've been, after losing, regaining, and losing again as many times as I had, I was more than ready to get off the carousel. But there was always something that kept telling me to hang on. Maybe it was my fear, maybe it was something entirely different. In any case, I'm grateful. While it's still sure to be a long road, Devon and I are slowly pieceing back together. I don't know where we stand right now, but I know things are a lot better than any other second chances we've given this. That's given me a lot more confidence in myself and who I am at this point. The battle to accepting myself totally is still going strong, but I'm steadly beginning to win out over who I don't want to be. I'm happier now than I have been in months and the feeling has been pushed so far out of my system for so long that it's almost alien. I'm enjoying it no less. I had an appointment with Greg today, one that was without Devon. My mind conjured up all sorts of crazy reasons why. It went better than I ever imagined it would have. It was strained at the beginning. I'm still skeptical over this all and I made that very clear. We had a short discussion on why, and I was as brutally honest as he asked me to be. And while he agreed that he didn't know the specifics of my relationship with Devon, he was doing his best to work with what we gave him because he believed we could make it. He asked me if I thought we could. I took a while to answer that. I didn't want to pretend to be convinced, not for him and not for me. But the answer is yes. Because I'm miserable without Devon and I never, never want to let him out of my life. With that settled, Greg asked me to talk about why I was so agry, especially at myself. What had happened to me to make me so furious at the world. I was silent for a long time. I kept debating over whether I wanted to delve into that or not. Was I willing to? Did I have it in me to tell this man I didn't know, who I was just expected to trust because of some plaques on the wall and a patient smile on his face, about my parents, about what happened to me when I was 13? And while part of me was insanely against it, I told him. Because if I couldn't trust him with it, who could I trust? So I told him. About growing up and I told him about my mother shunning me and my 'father' at least attempting to try and be one. I told him about that night in my room with my parents out and my siblings all at a movie. How I'd faked feeling ill because I needed to be alone to make sure I got it done. I told him how I could taste death and how scared I was, how badly I trembled and how much I hated that I was cying. I told him I was so close, so close, and then I wasn't anymore, just laying there on my floor, sobbing, too scared to move. Scared to face the realize I may actually be dead, terrified to think I was still alive. I told him how I'd met Devon a week later and how I'm convined that he's the reason that I didn't go through with it. I told him how Devon saved me and how in return, I only kill him. I told him how I hate myelf for giving Devon only pain after all the love and happiness he's given to me. I told him how I think it's impossible anybody could love me when I have trouble liking myself. They're problems, ones I wish I could get over, but are the only parts of who I am I can seem to identify aymore. So I cling to them, scared to death of losing myself completely. Scared to death of who I'll uncover myself to be. I'm going back tomorow. Greg wants to see me again, and to be completely honest, I'm eager to go back. I want to get this out of my system, no matter how long it takes. I don't want to be angry anymore. I just want to be Dom. In other news, I've started spending time with Tyler. He's a great guy and he's fun to be around. I'm amazed that it's taken us this long to start a friendship. We just seem to click and that's nice to find in somebody, especially afer the hell I've gone through. Somebody who truly wants your companionship. I'm enjoying the time with him a lot. I mean, come on, how can it get any better than pancakes and Fosters? I think I may have to teach him how to skateboard. That could be interesting. .1 - cmnt.

Take this shame away from me ( 08-04-2003    1:31am ) mood  -  optimistic music  -  The Agency; 'Doubt' It's becoming a lot easier for me to wake up now and know that I can't be anyone else but who I am. I'm learning to accept that I can only be who I am ready to be, and no matter how hard I wish to be something, or, moreover, someone else, it won't happen unless I want it badly enough that I strive to make those changes within me. I attribute most, if not all, of this to the two people who have never given up on me. Calista and Devon. Despite everything the three of us went through, they are the two who continue to push me to understand that they love me, as who I am, as who I am not, as who I cannot be, and as who I will not be. They see the better parts of me that I never escape to find because I'm so busy trying to fix the fractured pieces of ugliness that lie within me. They exhort me to see those parts of myself, even if I refuse to believe that they're there. It's also getting easier for me to realize that it is possible for someone to love me as I am. Even if I think that I'm hideous, they show me every chance they can manage that I'm not. They do their best to show me that I'm a good person; they do everything they can to instill that belief in me. And I'm breaking. Slowly, all the parts of me that have recently found their opportunity to take advantage of my fragile state of mind and deplorable belief in myself, are wearing down and cracking under the pressure of my realizations that, hey, I'm really not such a bad guy. After all, isn't everyone their own worst critic? It's not just them, though. Naomi, though recently coming into my life, has contributed to this more than she can ever comprehend. There are so many people who've made an impact on me, and their belief in me, whether recently or from times past, isn't doing any detriment to my progression. To all of you, I thank you. You are the saving graces of my life and I never will forget all that you've done for me. I think maybe now I'll sleep. These middle-of-the-night rambles make my head hurt. (New icons. Because yes.) .1 - cmnt.

Now I know it's over ( 08-02-2003    2:49am ) mood  -  okay music  -  Breaking Pangaea; 'Suspended' I don't know what it was about yesterday. I don't know what it was in the atmosphere, or what it was in the people that had invaded mine and Devon's room that finally pulled me out of myself. I don't know what it was that finally allowed me to let go and to be the Dominik that I miss being. I wish I knew. I wish I could figure myself out. It felt amazing to let my walls down for a little while. To just be...me. The me that I keep wishing I could be again. The me that I search so hard to find but can never uncover. I found myself in Devon again. I saw myself in him, and I saw how badly my problems were hurting him. I don't want to hurt him anymore. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I told him I'd go with him. It's worth a shot, isn't it? The worst this guy can do is tell me something I already know. I wonder how I ever got so fucked up in the first place. (new layout) .1 - cmnt.

I can't remember why I like this feeling ( 07-31-2003    3:26pm ) mood  -  frustrated music  -  Gin Blossoms; 'Hold Me Down' I'm so fucking sick and tired of feeling this way. I'm so overwhelmed by my emtions that I can't even see straight anymore. No matter how hard I try to get them out, they refuse to do anything but frustrate me even more. I don't know where to begin. I wish I could have just fucking been normal. I wish I didn't have the problems that I do, I wish I didn't use them against others. I'm tired of putting on this smile when it has no reason to be worn. I'm tired of feeling like I owe something to everyone. Is it possible to just start over? .6 - cmnt.

I want to hold onto something that won't break away or fall apart ( 07-30-2003    2:13am ) mood  -  pissed off music  -  Pete Yorn; 'Lose You' I'm done apologizing. It's two words that mean absolutely nothing coming from me anymore, so I won't waste time and attempt them in hopes to begin righting the wrongs I've caused. I'm done attempting to get through to you. If you can't understand me now, then I wonder if you ever did. I'm sorry I have to do this. I love you. .3 - cmnt.

Every time I thought we'd mend, we just fall apart again ( 07-29-2003    1:27am ) mood  -  numb music  -  Audio Learning Center; 'The Shell' I'm really good at pretending. I've come to find this the hard way. I come to find everything the hard way. I have more demons than anyone knows. Everyone has them, but for them to have them in such an overwhelming force, I doubt. I run from them because I remember what happened the one night I tried to face them. And while this time it probably won't be metal and grease, the possiblity is very real that it'll be chalk. And it'll be slow, it'll be painful, the exact way I'd want it to be. Not so much because I deserve nothing less, but because it'll finally be time to let these demons do exactly what they've wanted to do for me since the chase began. They got close that one night, when I had that gun, when I could taste death. Now they want revenge because I never gave them the satisfaction. But no matter how far away from me they are, their hold on me is still strong. It's what keeps them from falling too far behind me. That grip tightened around me drastically tonight. Because I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't pretend anymore that it still doesn't eat me alive. I couldn't pretend anymore that it doesn't tear me apart. I couldn't pretend anymore that I was moving on. I couldn't pretend anymore that I was okay. I gave everything I had into moving beyond this. Not into ignoring this, but into forging a new path, where this would be left behind for good. But I haven't made one step in that direction. I'm stuck in this memory, watching it unfold in front me day after day. And every day, there's something new about it. Something that I missed in previous viewings. It's sick, how riveted it keeps me. How I indulge myself in almost looking forward to what I missed last time. It did nothing to better the situation I was faced with. It did nothing to better the way I feel. About him, about myself, about us. So I pretended that I was moving on. Because sometimes, pretending is all you can do. I guess I thought if I pretend enough, I just might come to believe it. But I never could decieve myself into it. And it came. The anger. The frustration. The hatred. It came up, it wrapped it's cold, revolting arms around me, and it felt like home. And when he told me he hated me, that hold on me tightened, mocking me. Telling me this was always coming, why was I trying to avoid it? It was impossible to avoid, I wasn't that stupid, I wasn't that pathetically optimistic that I could keep putting it arm's length and holding it back. I know it's only fair that he hates me. I don't want to see it like he does, but I have to. Brad and Calista are two different versions of the same story. I know that. I know I killed him the way he killed me. I know I left him feeling as lost, as useless, as disgusting, as desolate as he left me. No matter how I try to justify what happened with Brad as compared to Calista, I can't. And that breaks me just a little more. For once in my goddamn life, I want to be the good guy. One pitiful time, I don't want to be the cause of what went wrong. Just one more prayer fallen on deaf ears, though. I did try. I'm sorry I failed you once more. But never again will I allow myself to do this to you. Or to me. I love you. But maybe it's just for all the wrong reasons. ( I've given everything ) cmnt.

This is what dreams are made of ( 07-25-2003    12:41am ) mood  -  enthralled music  -  Plain White T's; 'Go Back' When one door closes, another one opens. That's the old addage, isn't it? Life opened a new door for me yesterday...a very large one. I'd planned to make another day of laying in Jesse's room, feeling cold and empty and reveling contently in the darkness when I closed my eyes. But of course, distractions are always evil little pesks and come about when you absolutely don't want them to. This time, the pesk was a knock at the door. Being that Jesse was off entertaining himself with something undoubtedly more interesting than myself, I was, as his guest, obligated to answer the door. I tore myself from the comfort of tormenting myself and shuffled to the door. And there he was. Standing so close to me and feeling so far away. Too far. I was too tired to want to fight with him. I wanted nothing more at that precise moment than to close the door, crawl back into Jesse's bed, and allow myself to die just a little more. But I didn't move. Because the way he looked at me...that broken, empty gaze....it was the very same one I saw when I looked in the mirror. I don't remember very much of what was said. In fact, I can't remember much since I stepped out of our room that night, up until that very moment when he took me into his arms. It was almost as though I finally breathed again. For the first time since all this began, I finally breathed. We made promises. Silly promises, ones that I know somewhere along the way will be broken only to be made again, but that very moment, that was all I cared about. Hearing those words and saying them myself. I suppose I should have left a quick note of thanks to Jesse for putting up with me once again, but I wasn't really thinking anymore. I was just going with what I felt, and right then, I needed to feel Devon. I needed so badly to feel all of him, every last bit that I could. But I didn't, and I still don't, want this to be a repeat of all our previous mistakes. I don't need sex to be near him, to feel consumed by him. All I need is to know he's there, and that we're together, and that's exactly what I got. We decided this time to start over. We both understand now that we lost sight of exactly what it was that brought us together in the first place. We fell into a pattern of comfort, and when that was disrupted, all hell seemed to break loose. So now we're taking things step-by-step, rediscovering each other and what it was that we kept trying to keep hanging on to but kept slipping through our hands. And this time, I'm not going to try and jinx it. Dev and I planned to lounge around in bed all day today, but Lucca decided to drop by and visit. There were some people I had to make a little trip to see in town, so I used his visit to get myself up and out of the room. When I got back, Dev and I decided to head out for dinner. After dinner, we made our way out to a park. I'd planned on acting like a kid, as I'm sure he had, but we've seem to rather outgrow swingsets. We headed over to an expansive patch of grass and laid back together. We talked about stupid stuff, we kissed, we held each other. It started to sprinkle and he wanted to come back, but I didn't want this night to end. So with the promise to keep him warm, we stayed out in the rain, still talking about stupid stuff, still kissing, still holding each other. When we saw lightening, we figured it was time to go. We were soaked, but I doubt either of us minded. There's really nothing quite like that, and I do hope to do it again. I'm in that giddy stage, where everything is a new possibility. Every experience feels brand new, and it's enthralling. I've felt this way before. In Cancun. That very day I swore my life to him, whether we legally could or not. I feel like I did then. All my senses are suddenly heightened and all I crave is him. To be near him, to feel him. This feeling terrifies me, though. I'm so scared I'm going to lose it again, like I did before. I can't lose it. I need it too much. It's addicting. He's addicting. I'm not going to fuck up this time. ( Devon...I love you ) .2 - cmnt.

Systems failing ( 07-23-2003    3:27pm ) mood  -  numb music  -  Count the Stars; 'All Good Things' I've taken refuge in Jesse's room again. I don't know if I'm ever going to build up the courage to go back to our room. To have to go back and face all those memories by myself. To have to go in and see only my things. There won't be anymore of his shirts randomly lying on the floor, none of his clothes will be in the closet, no computer on the desk. Nothing to say he was ever there, nothing to say we ever shared what we did, nothing to prove that this all isn't some sort of dream. For the first time in my life since I met Devon, I feel hollow. I feel empty. When I walked out that night, that light that I'd always held on to went out. Since that night, any physical ability to feel has become void. I'm watching the world now with senses that are completely detached. I know that this is all my fault. Despite every effort to convince myself otherwise, I knew this was going to happen. My innate inability to believe in myself has severely crippled every relationship I've formed with others. And he's right when he says that I wallow in it. But he's wrong when he tries to say I use it as an excuse. I've lived the last 17 years of my life this way. My disbelief in trust doesn't make matters much better for me either. I was pushed away as a child, and that's what I learned. I keep people as far from who I really am as I can. I don't ever want to let anyone into my life because when they walk out of it, they take my life with them. But I let him in. I let him in deeper than I've ever let anyone in. I let him in because I trusted in his word. I trusted him to take me as he knew I was, as he would come to see I would be. But the older I got, the more jaded I became; the harder it became to let him into the new parts of myself that I discovered. I pushed him away from me, I kept him out of those parts of me. It wasn't out of pride, like he insisted. It was out of shame. I didn't like who I was turning into, and I didn't want him to see that. But, like always, I made the mistake of pushing too much. It was my pride that kept me pushing people away when I had a problem. Recently, I've been through a lot of those. And I kept pushing. I tried to let him back in, but I'd been thrown so far back into myself after what he did that I was struggling to get myself back together. I felt so open after that...so raw...so vulnerable...that my concentration was fixed on putting my walls back up. I was so focused on feeling normal again that I ignored all the signs. I lost everything I ever worked to live for. I lost him. .7 - cmnt.

You'd like to think you were invincible ( 07-22-2003    12:42am ) mood  -  numb music  -  The New Amsterdams; 'Idaho' And once again, I find myself regretting not pulling the trigger. .3 - cmnt.

Don't follow your heart, it just seems to get in your way ( 07-19-2003    10:49pm ) mood  -  nervous music  -  Sunny Day Real Estate; 'In Circles' It's hard to look at the one person who you thought could never change and have to see them as a complete stranger. But I'm trying. I'm trying to see him that way right now. I need to rediscover in him what we both lost sight of somewhere along the way. I need to find what I love most about him, and what I don't, and remember how to love those parts of him. It hasn't been easy so far, and I don't think it'll get any easier any time soon. But I'm trying. That's what matters right now. That I'm doing my part to piece us back together. He's done his; now it's my turn. Somtimes it feels like I don't even have all the pieces. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I don't even want to bother. Sometimes I just want to give up, leave the puzzle ruined and learn to accept it as it is. Puzzles aren't always finished. On the flip side, this is Devon. My savior, my angel, my confidant, my best friend, my lover, my husband, my everything, my life. This isn't something that I can't let myself not give everything I have into rebuilding. It's just a very daunting undertaking. A lot was damaged by what happened. But I committed myself to him, for better for worse, and it's time to find the better again. cmnt.

Yeah we've been here twice before ( 07-14-2003    10:11pm ) mood  -  accomplished music  -  Trapt; 'Echo' I'm amazed that the one person who I never thought I'd be able to say a kind word to again is the one who turned me completely around. Talking with her again changed everything. I saw the pain, as fresh and as raw as mine. I saw how deeply it ran. It unnerved me greatly. I understand now how selfish I've been recently. I have an excuse, yes. But that doesn't mean I have to use it. I was hurting, yes. But that didn't mean I was the only one. My desire to hate all of this made me a very angry and bitter person. I admit I'm not the best at handling my emotions. But that gives me absolutely no right to turn them against everyone else. I wanted them to know how badly I hurt that I tried to hurt them in return. I was too blind to see their own pain. I was too focused on my own. I made the decision tonight to move on with my life. With both of them still in it. It's going to be hard, I know that. I'm still hurting, and paranoia is a real bitch. Especially coupled with horridly low self-esteem that was reduced even more by what happened. But even though I'm angry, even though I'm hurting, even though I'm scared, through all of this, my heart never stopped beating for him, and I never stopped missing my friend. I love them both greatly and whatever color had been left in my world would quickly dissipate without them. Thank you. "What power has love but forgiveness? In other words by its intervention what has been done can be undone. What good is it otherwise?"        William Carlos Williams, Pictures from Brueghel, 1962 .2 - cmnt.

Watch it all come crashing down ( 07-12-2003    8:49pm ) mood  -  guilty music  -  The Get Up Kids; 'Company Dime' That...was almost normal. Too bad I'm such a fuck up. Excuse me while I go beat myself over the head with a shoe. I'm tired of watching me hurt you, I'm tired of being the teardrops on your face, I'm tired of loving this way .3 - cmnt.

Sometimes walls run into you ( 07-11-2003    8:59pm ) mood  -  crappy music  -  Spitalfield; 'I Loved the Way She Said LA' Despite waking up this morning with the vague desire to asphyxiate myself with my pillow, I noticed myself that I'm slowly - painfully slowly - beginning to feel better. The nauseau has seemed to pack up and move on, perhaps suddenly bored by the wonderland of my internal organs. The dizziness apparently decided to join the nauseau on its departure. It's a good feeling when your equalibrium is in full check. My voice is seemingly fighting to return to normal. That in itself brightened my day considerably. I'm tired of sounding like a viscid frog. With the improvement of my voice, I decided it was time to give David a call. I haven't spoken to him since his visit to see Devon and I. He noticed right away that all was not well with me, and I'm sure he sensed it went much further beyond my current physical ailments. We talked for a very long time. Well...it was more that I talked and he listened. I recounted to him everything I could recall since he left, because that seemed to be the very beginning of all this. The way Devon was trying to force me into seeing something that I couldn't. The way I reacted to being pushed that hard. I told him how I'd retracted into myself then nearly disconnected myself from everything. It's how I operate when I'm faced with a problem. It's the only way I know. I told him about Devon and what he'd done. I didn't cry when I did, which was a definite surprise on my end. There was a small part of me that was expecting David to then launch into some sort of far-too-long overly-detailed speech - in fact, that part was almost excitedly hoping he would. I wasn't surprised, though, when he told me he didn't know what to tell me. Nobody knows what to say. That's probably the worst part of this entire situation. There's not one person out there who can tell me what to do. There's no one that can give me the answer. My entire future regarding Devon rests solely on my ability - or inability, for that matter - to forgive his mistakes and to accept him back into my life. I've tried on many, many occasions to think this all through, but the task is daunting. There's so many different things to incorporate into this, there's so many things hanging in the balance. I don't want all of that on my shoulders, but it's comfortable there. It's familiar to me to have something pushing me down this way. I hate to love it the way I do. I think I'm scared to figure this all out. Not just because that means I'd have my answer, but because it won't weigh on me anymore. I could easily find something to replace it, but between those times, where I'm not struggling at all with something, I'll have no idea what to do with myself. That terrifies me. There was no epiphany during my conversation with David; nothing is any less confusing than before, but it was nice just to talk to him again. I do miss him, which is strange considering I've only spent a total of two full days with him. We have a lot to work on, too, in regards to this whole father/son predicament we've been thrust into. And even though I brought it up and he agreed, he told me I need to take care of what's most important first. And that would be Devon. I just wish I knew where to begin. cmnt.

( 07-09-2003    6:46pm ) mood  -  nauseated music  -  Elvis Costello; 'Radio, Radio' It's a sad state of affairs when you're forced into watching soap operas to occupy your mind. It's pitiful that people can really get into these poor excuses for a television show and go as far as to call them 'their stories.' I'd planned to watch Blue's Clues instead, but I'd seen that episode at least twice, not to mention this new guy just isn't Steve. With that being said, today's episode of Guiding Light was rather ridiculous. The fact that it was their Independence Day episode shown the Wednesday after undoubtedly thwarted whatever hopes I'd gone into watching the show with. I was nearly bored to tears, especially at the end. And not because everyone gave Danny and Michelle a surprise wedding. And for any Daniel Beddingfield fans, he's on tomorrow's show. On the physical front, I seem to be showing signs of improvement of which I cannot tell. Devon convinced me into going back to our room and so we moved me back, a task that took far too much effort than should be necessary. He's been doing a good job, I suppose. I still feel like I'd be happier stuck six feet under ground in a pine box, but you take what you can get, right? He's been making sure I eat, which is a lot more than I'd do for myself. I randomly stumbled upon the thought of just how thin I'll be when I finally kick this. I couldn't afford to lose much more as it was. I'll probably look like stick with a big head or something. That might be rather comical. While on the subject of random wonderments, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not using this time to my advantage. Gathering energy to do much of anything except getting up to use the bathroom would prove useless, as I'd probably make it to the door before having to take a long rest. That gives me a lot of time to do nothing but lay in bed and watch 'stories'...or something else that might more closely resemble actual television. And instead of feeling my brain being turned to an unidentifiable mass of mush and my senses numbed by watching such wretched acting and asinine plots unfold, should I be using those times to think? Now that I've grown, and quite literally, sick of wallowing in these emotions, is now the time to start sorting through them with the blind hope to finally figure myself out again? I'm still fighting the reality that what I want most from this will never come true. I don't have a time machine and never will. I know what he wants. That desperate, insecure, 'I can't live without him' part of me wants that, too. That part of myself grabs onto me vehemently sometimes, pleading with me to just go back, for God's sake, just go back. I know why that happens, too. I'm petrified at the thought of going through this life without him. I don't remember how to live without him anymore and I don't want to have to learn. Then the anger surges again, squelching that grasp, and I'm left wishing I could just get over all this and move on with my life finally. The problem with this anger is that I don't know how to get rid of it. I've tried everything that always used to help and those attempts only proved futile. I've been keeping it all in, and the part of me that doubts fully and completely my self-worth turns the anger against me. It tears me apart and makes me doubt if this is really my choice at all. That part of me tells me Devon was right when he says I was pushing him away; it tells me it's my fault he turned away from me like he did. I pushed him so far that I made him doubt me just as much as I doubt myself. On second thought, maybe I'd just be better off not thinking at all. Maybe I'm being selfish, maybe I'm just scared, if I had to explain it, I wouldn't know where to start cmnt.

No strength left to battle ( 07-07-2003    5:07pm ) mood  -  sick music  -  The Get Up Kids; 'Fall from Grace' Apparently, it's all caught up with me. Every last bit of personal hell I've been pushing myself through has come back around and taken a desperate, unrelenting hold on me. Days of no sleep and absolutely no appetite for anything but a bottle with a friendly name like Jack or Jose doesn't do wonders for the upkeeping of one's physical health. In Laymen's terms, I'm sick. Whatever reserves of adrenaline - mostly out of anger, I'm sure - I'd been using, I've run out of. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally significantly past the point of prostration. Every movement proves to be vicissitude - nearly every attempt is feckless. I want to eat, but the mere thought of food makes my stomach churn. The last time I actually ate - days ago, mind you - it felt as though I ended up giving almost a week's worth of meals back in the bathroom. I know I need to eat, but I'm positive whatever I get down will come back up not long after. The only good part is that I'm finally sleeping....or...sort of. I have strange, hallucinogenic dreams - undoubtedly induced by the nice fever I'm sporting. The sleep is restless and I usually startle myself awake, shivering in a cold sweat despite the oversized sweatpants and t-shirt, and two blankets I'm curled up beneath. I do feel bad for Jesse, having to wake up to something as pitiful as I've recently become every day. I'll have to find some way to make this up to him. .2 - cmnt.

I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone ( 07-05-2003    6:46pm ) mood  -  cold music  -  Yellowcard; 'Empty Apartment' I'm beginning to feel very repetitive in my entries recently, but fuck that. My days seem to end up mirroring one another now. I really don't try to do this all on purpose. There's more hurt between us now than anyone can even dare fathom. Do I make it worse? Of course. Every single time. But I've asked. Repeatedly I've asked to just let it go. Fate will take its course and we'll end up where we're supposed to. He did something for me last night, though. Something I owe a tremendous amount of gratitude for. It's not often I miss home, but when I do, I miss it with a near-debilitating fierceness. It's not recently that I've been missing home, but rather, I've been missing what I had there. I miss the ballgames with my brothers, I miss the guys I'd skateboard with, I miss the band. I miss my time with Devon, being stupid and making asses of ourselves. I miss the things that make home what it is. Devon tried to bring some of that back to me last night. I tried my best to be there with him, to be back in that frame of mind, in that time, with him. But I can't just drop it. I can't rid myself of the multitude of emotions. The pain, the anger, the disbelief, the frustration, the loneliness, the inadequacy. That's not something you can shoulder constantly then drop suddenly, fully and completely, for if only a moment. It's fucking impossible. But I tried. I tried so hard for him because I keep doing this to myself, every day, and I'm tired. I'm so tired of being myself right now. I'm tired of spending my days avoiding him and trying to purge him from my system; I'm tired of spending my sleepless nights staring up at the ceiling. I'm tired of wondering when I'm finally going to give in and I'm tired of considering just how I'll let go. I'm so goddamn tired of hating him and hating myself. I just want it to be over. I'm missing your laugh, how did it break, and when did your eyes, begin to look fake. I'm missing your bed, I never sleep, avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak, and this bottle of Beast is taking me home .11 - cmnt.

This is one more sleepless night ( 07-04-2003    1:04am ) mood  -  confused music  -  BrandNew; 'Failure by Design' I'm divided right down the middle. I'm being pulled both ways at once and I'm stuck on the inside, watching myslf being torn apart, watching as my boundaries and limits are stretched more and more each day. The pain is inconcievable. Each labored breath is a little more shallow than the one before. My movements feel alien to me, almost as though I'm a puppet for a sadistic little cild that fancies me greatly. I lay in the spare bed in his room every night, staring up into the black. It reminds me all-too-well of the swirling darkened mass of turmoil that constricts my chest. The bed is cold. I turn onto my side sometimes and nearly expect to see him beside me, with his arms open and waiting for me to crawl into them and into their warmth. But the only sight I recieve is that of the wall, staring straight back at me, as cold and unforgiving as the bed. I haven't slept since that night. The scene still is too vivid, burned into my memory. I can smell the room, it always smelled like that rain-scented candle he likes so much. I can see him laying in front of me, right there, with those deep troubled eyes that swam with tears. I can stil feel the way he trembled in my arms as he said the words, the words that we were spoken and those that didn't have to be. I remember the way his voice broke. I remember the desperation with which he held onto me. I remember the feel of his warm, tear-stained face pressing into my chest, his voice muffled but no less despondent. It's too much to take and that's all I get when I close my eyes. I've tried to block it out any way I could, but the attempts are futile at best. He seems to come from every different angle now. Everywhere I turn, there he is. In a memory, in the face of someone else, in the flesh. And that's the worst part. To see him, fully and completely, in front of me. To see him so broken. To see only yearning in those dull eyes that once held a light of so much more. I see him then and all I want to do is set things right. I want to hold him and whisper to him it's okay. I want to rebuild him into what he was before. I want to see him smile again; I want to be the reason for that smile. I want to see the light his eyes again and know they shine for me. But all it takes is a mere second to remember. What he did. To me. To us. To remember why I feel this way, and I want nothing more than for him to turn and walk away in the hopes that this time it will be for good. It's a vicious cycle that eats away at the very core of me. The way I need him so near and wish him to be so far. I want answers when there aren't any. He says he doesn't know and I know he doesn't, but it's not good enough. I need something, anything, that can show me what I did to turn him away, that can show me why he took those actions and why they were with that person. I want to know why I wasn't good enough. cmnt.

Please don't foret all those memories that we've shared ( 07-02-2003    10:39am ) mood  -  crushed music  -  Placebo; 'Sleeping with Ghosts' I've been attempting to start this for some time now and with each undertaking, the words stubbornly refuse to correlate into any sort of comprehensible statement. I think I understand what hell is. There's no fiery depths, no towering creature with horns and pitchfork, no slumped skeletons shackled to molten rock. Hell is no mythological cliché. That couldn't come close, in fact. Hell is hearing the words that weren't said, the ones that didn't need to be said, echoing in your mind in a nauseating whisper that drips with victory, salivating at the prospect of the detriment it somehow is programmed to know you will inflict yourself with, whether you do so purposely or by the sheer hand of fate. It resonates in your head, inciting the painful knowledge that it was there all along, patiently awaiting for you to break, for someone else to break you, so it can substantiate your previous fears of never being exactly what someone will need. Hell is the burgeoning feelings of inadequacy aggrandized by that voice. Hell is the fierce desire to hate when all it does is break you down even more. Hell is feeling everything you worked so hard to protect being ripped away from you, piece by miniscule piece until the pain is unbearable and all that's left is an exhausting numbness that leaves you feeling ultimately hopeless. Hell is the truculent longing to cut yourself away from the raging cyclone of emotions constricting your chest, from that obscene voice feeding voraciously on your pain and misery. Hell is craving nothing more than the touch that revolts you, than the kiss that turns your stomach, the voice that sickens you. Hell is helplessly watcing the only thing that could ever matter to you crumble on top of it's thinning foundation. Hell is the panicked urge to scramble to your knees and salvage every piece you can so that you can rebuild, but having your convictions keep you firmly planted to your spot as the pieces fade and wither away. Hell is wanting to give in and forgive while needing to prove to yourself that you're strong on your own. Hell is needing it so badly and forcing yourself to understand that you'll survive without it. Hell is hearing the one person who became everything that ever mattered saying, 'goodbye.' .3 - cmnt.

So shut your eyes, when you wake up, I'll be gone ( 07-01-2003    2:09am ) mood  -  stressed music  -  The Get Up Kids; 'I'm a Loner, Dottie, A Rebel' I thought by now, you would understand. I thought you would know when to let leave alone. I thought you would know when not to step. I thought you would have learned to see the boundaries. I thought wrong. I don't want to play this game anymore. .1 - cmnt.

Like the orphan needs home once again ( 06-29-2003    6:45am ) mood  -  hopeful music  -  Copeland; 'Priceless' I've been up for a good hour now, and I'm amazed at what I've accomplished in the span of the last sixty minues. The walk from my bed to the desk. Yes folks, Dominik Cole is an overachiver extrodinaire. David called last night while I was out skateboardng. I noticed Devon seemed a little more sprightly than usual tonight, but I refrained from questioning. It's been far too long since he's been so lively. We were settling in for the night when he interrupted my singing along with 'Walking on Glass' by The Movielife. That's when he informed me of David's call and the news that came with it. David's in Vermont for a company meeting and took it upon himself to invite himself for a visit. As well, what I would imagine to be the definite acceptance on our part to his visit to our humble little school, an invitation to dinner was issued. David is more than welcome to visit anytime he feels that he wants to take a trip to Boringville, USA, but I'm not one to refuse free dinner. Neither is Devon, because he accepted. Devon was relaying all the specifics of their conversation, and there was a sort of wonderment in his tone. And when Devon finally admitted as to why, I understood perfectly. David called Devon, 'son.' No big deal in the grand scheme of things to most. But I know full well why it means so much to him to be called that. And despite that, for all intensive purposes, it was said by a complete stranger to his life, it means no less. In fact, I'm sure it means more to him than anyone can really comprehend. Devon told me I was lucky...and I am. But so is he...I think it's going to come to pass that we can both say we have a father. David called again this morning, at 5:45 no less, on his way for a quick breakfast in the downstairs buffett, as he informed me in a manner that was almost sickeningly gleeful. He wanted to be sure I knew of his arrival in Vermont and to assure me that we'd be ready to go to dinner by six. As we hung up, he said he couldn't wait, that he was looking forward to seeing me, 'talk to you soon, kiddo.' Kiddo? I'm 17 and I'm 'kiddo'? He's known I'm his son for no more than two weeks and I'm 'kiddo'? I blame fully and completely the fact that I was weary on the lump that formed in my throat and the way my eyes burned with welling tears. And the warmth that started in my stomach and rapidly spread? Hunger, no doubt. After hanging up, I laid there in bed, watching Devon sleep because my mind was too alive to allow sleep to return. I'm jaded enough to believe that whatever this excitement David seems to feel in regards to me will fade and I'll be tossed to the wayside. But there's something about David....something that instills the belief in me that he could very well be the one piece of the puzzle I've always been without. .1 - cmnt.

Don't you feel what I'm dealing with? ( 06-28-2003    2:45am ) mood  -  contemplative music  -  Reggie and the Full Effect; 'Congratulations Smack and Katy' I came in rather late last night. Devon was up reading. I was fairly surprised to see him still awake. He asked where I'd been, I told him out, and that's the truth. I'd been out, just kind of wandering around, sorting through a lot of things going on in my mind. Devon threw out a question at me, one that did one of many things. Surprise, anger, disbelief.... I suppose I can't blame him for asking what he did, though the question was ridculous. I admit I've been distant, and I can see why, especially with the late returns, his mind would conjure up those sort of worries. But it's absolutely ridiculous and he should know that. My distance recently comes from being unsure of how to handle everything now. Now that it's sunk in that I've said my final goodbyes to the two people who spent the last 17 years pretending, not for my sake, but for the sake of their other children, that I was just as much a part of the family as the others. It's a shame they did such a terrible job. I'm over the shock now of knowing that my father is not my father, but that the man who is, was a boytoy for my mother. I have to figure out now how to deal with the surfacing hatred I feel towards my mother and my 'father.' The man who doesn't really hate me, rather just 'resents' me. It's too bad I can't say the same. And on that same note, I have to figure out how to approach my brothers and sister. I worry about their reaction greatly, too. If I lost them, I'd be losing everything that ever saved me before Devon. And David. How do I react to him? How does react to me, knowing I'm his biological child from an affair that he didn't realize he was having? I have so much to figure out still. I'm not one of those people that can dive right into a problem, tackle it head-on. I need to take a step back. I literally need to let go of myself so I can find a way to get all the pieces back together. The only way I know how is one at a time. .2 - cmnt.

( 06-26-2003    6:19pm ) music  -  Moneen; 'This Year I've Had Enough' When life gives you lemons, make sure to inform life you're allergic. Then again, taking advice from a kid like me would be the worst possible mistake on your part. Especially since I can't seem to follow it myself. You'd think by now I'd know better; you'd think I'd know how to listen to myself. Perhaps it's near time to do so. With my life going in as many directions as it has recently, learning to trust my instincts may just be worthwhile. On the other hand, I could be completely full of shit. At least one thing remains the same; I'm still Domi Cole. I seem to be wasting my life away recently, rotting in my room, finding comfort in staring at bleak white walls. Comfort isn't the right word. It's more like familiarity. Of course, getting up every day and running away is far from an option. I almost feel as though I live 'Groundhog Day,' waking up to the very same thing every morning, having to find some way to avoid the same problems on a daily basis. It's not easy to be frustrated with life but every night means I've made it through one more day. If that doesn't tell me something, I don't know what ever could. I do miss having a life...but that's just between us. .5 - cmnt.

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