use once and destroy

Basically I skipped work yesterday for no good reason. In my mind I had the idea that I would stay home and take care of all those household duties I have been neglecting. Well I didn't do anything but make icons and basically sat around like I do every weekend when I am off. I am such a procrastinator. I know things have to done and yet I find a reason to not do them :-P

The last time I saw Daniel was a week ago today. Everything just clicked and it was really good but then there is always the let down the next day because I want there to be more. If I am going to keep seeing him I think I am going to have to accept that we are going to be no more than as my best friend calls it "fuck buddies". Even though I really like him and we have fun when we are together it bothers me that we don't talk until we do get together. Emails consist of nothing more than "hi how you doing" blah blah. See the thing of it is I would like to ask him but then I don't want to be the girl who says "where is this relationship going?", "can you define what we are doing and what it means to you?" uggghh I just don't know how to handle this. I have no experience in this arena because of my past. This would officially be the first boy that I have seen on a romantic regular basis even though I am as old as I am. Growing up in the strict religion I did. I am kinda just thinking that maybe I should just cool it and not see him for awhile.

As for my last entry I appreciate all the people that posted a reply. There are times that remind me that she is not there but I am feeling a little better about it. She was a great pet for so long and I have accepted that it was just time for her to go.

On a good note I have learned how to make transparency icons which has inspired me to get creative with them again. Mostly customizing them with Elvis Costello lyrics right now :) I have been listening to This Years Model for the past two weeks as I have been driving to and from work and I keep thinking that line would make a great icon :-P hehe
I am trying to make some banners and things for my communities and I have been reading my Photoshop book because I have it in my mind how I want them to look but I don't know how to do it.

Mom is no longer in Missouri with my sister but back in Michigan. She is not going to be home for about 2 more weeks or so. When she does get back I have to start giving her money for all the phonebills I ran up. It's usually $40 but since she has been gone it's like $110. bleh I get bored and start calling my friends which all happen to be sooo very far from me. Not good.

oh yeah yesterday I dropped a full can of soda on my big toe. Yeah so now it's black and blue underneath my toenail, my cuticle is blacking red, and I think I cracked the toenail right above the cuticle. It hurts sooooooooooo bad. I know that my toenail is going to fall off. For some reason this is the leg that bad things happen too :-P I broke this leg twice, I horse got scared and backed up on me and stepped on this foot once, so yeah ....

I just found out that Annie Rice's Blood Canticle is out and I want a copy really bad. I don't even know if I have any bookstores located anywhere near me that would have it. If I was in Michigan I could buy it at Media Play for like 30% off :-P

strike that the closest bookstore is 40 miles away - now I have to call them and see if they have it and how much it is.

I haven't really been posting very much. I have made a few post in LJ but not in my other journals so here it goes. I met this boy named Daniel who I like very much even though I think that he may just turn out to be a trick. We don't talk until we actually get together and I guess that kinda of bothers me. When we are together I feel so comfortable around him and for some strange reason I feel safe. I don't feel self concious about my weight and we do things I have never done with anyone. But afterwards I think too much about it and I wonder if this will just turn out to be a physical thing. He is very cute with his red curly hair and I want it to be more. I don't know though I am jaded and feel that even though he tells me the things I want to hear that nothing will truly come of this.

I am still very much alone right now. My mother is currently in Missouri with my sister. I am an aunt again *smiles* as my sister just had a little baby girl. Her name is Emma which is a very cute name. My mother will be staying for two more weeks with my sister and then she will be going back to Michigan to get things taken care of there. So I will be by myself for the next month and a half. There are days when it really gets to me and I start thinking about how much I miss my friends back in Michigan. I called R (my best friend) on Thursday night and cried because I do miss him. I don't know how much longer I can last here. I have a good job but nothing compares to being able to see your friends. I told Daniel about this on Saturday and he made a face at me like "hello you have a friend right here". I would like to think of him as a friend but really I don't think he is the type of boy I can just call and spill my life too. I am a girl full of doubts right now.

I have been working now I guess for over a month and half I think. Seems like all I do is work now, I think I am getting frazzled. I have been down the last couple of days and I think it is because I am very homesick. Last Sunday driving to work I started crying and thinking why the hell am I striving so hard to obtain so little. I don't have any friends here that I can truly hang out with and all I am doing is traveling back and forth to a job that honestly sucks ass. This much stress is not worth $7 an hour. And honestly it's not even dealing with people on the phone I can do that all day and thats ok, it's the fact that everything is timed down to a tee. Your breaks and lunches are timed from the time you hit the button on the computer and the phone and then I coordinate a stop watch so that I can get back on time. Then you have to make sure that if your on the phone for over 20 mins that you call them back. I don't know I guess I am just bitching and should be happy to even have a job. So I worked last Sunday and I called off Monday because honestly I just need another day that I could call my own. I was looking forward to a two day weekend and then they came around and asked if I wanted to work on Sunday. They are very sneaky when they do this because they ask you when you are on the phone and trying to deal with a customer. It's like your in the middle of something and just go yeah yeah sure sure. Then I get off the phone and say what did I just agree to hehe. Oh well I guess I am working this Sunday again. It will help though with the money situation.

My brother-in-law though has a friend who is selling a car for $1000 and I told him I was interested. So they are giving me a month to get the money together. It's a stick shift but I think I can learn how to drive a stick this late in my life :-P hehe My mom left for Michigan last Friday I think it was. She will be gone for about 3 weeks. Maybe that's another reason why I have been down, I come home and no one is here. I guess I didn't realize how much I need human contact in my life even if it is my mother hehe. I have been thinking about who is going to be there in the end when everything is said and done. I sent an email to R voicing some of my feelings and he wrote this in reply "Enough of this foolishness, we are who and what we are, things come upon us with a roughness, we see these and conquor these. They are nothing but specters of the mind. Give them no thought." These and a few other words made me feel a lot better.

Speaking of R things between us are good. I still miss him lots and he is doing very well. He is going to school at Wayne State. I am soooooo very excited and happy for him. He is on his way to obtain his Bachelors Degree and then he will be a successful therapist and give me lots of free service LOL He sent me a care package with lots of goodies. He sent the Erasure Other Tour Concert Mix (woohoo), 3 cd's full of MP3's (his music kicks royal ass), and some porn (well of course I requested this stuff hehe esp. the House of Morecock - Joe Phillips what can I say mmm). Also sent some extra programs and stuff which was tres cool. I am still trying to work my way through all the goodies he sent, and it makes things more bareable to have a link back to friends and home :)

Things are buzzing with all the stuff I have to work through. As some of you may or may not know I have my own icon journal which keeps things hectic fullfilling all the request that come through. I have stopped posting icons temporarily in the icon communities because I am just trying to keep up with the request that the journal generates. I aslo have to catch up with post in all 14 of my communities :) And I just got Adobe GoLive 5 for creating the website for Flamedames. So yeah busy busy. Well I will try to catch up with everyone here for the next couple of days when I get home from work and all the other stuff can kinda wait for the weekend what I have left of it :). Huggs to everyone

Hey I am on Caleida. Someone told me about this journal community so what the heck I came over here and started yet another journal :) And some communities too. I will try to update soon but am running out of time and have to go back to work