Meteor

Final Entry

This blog will no longer be updated as of today. I have a blog on my personal domain now, and this blog will not ever be used by me anymore. For my friends who have been following this blog, please contact me (SMS, email or MSN) and I'll give you the URL of my new blog. I'm not posting it here because I think there are people who I thoroughly dislike following this blog. Therefore, please contact me directly and I'll give you the new URL. If you are not sure if you are in my hate list, just ask me and if I refuse to give you the new URL, you know for sure you are on the hate list. =D

I'm tired in the second week of school

I'm so drained of energy even though it's the second week of school. I must be getting old. Not to mention that it's going to be a tough semester.

I need my emotional support back. Scorpios are water signs, and emotions can wear them down. Even though it may look calm on the surface, you never know if it is really calm, or are there strong undercurrents below. I badly need a long and big hug. And I need it from her, my fellow water sign.

I can't sleep

I'm missing her. Badly.

Wah Lau

My results for this semester:

A+
A
A-
A-
A-

Semester Average Point: 4.7
CAP: 4.4

I will KILL myself if my CAP at graduation is 4.49

I love going grocery shopping

Ok, do not think I'm going nuts from the extreme boredom that holidays bring. I've realised that I actually enjoy shopping for groceries!

I guess it is all because I've been living independently on campus for about half a year now. You can choose to eat out all the time or cook. The former is a more expensive option, especially on weekends when you have to travel to eat, unless you want to eat the same un-nutritious McDonalds meal every weekend. For the budget conscious like me, cooking is obviously the better alternative.

I started with experimenting with the microwave. At the start, it was mainly microwave cooking for me, because it's hassle free. After a while, you get sick and tired of eating the same style of food, so I decided to venture more. In came pots and I experimented with pasta and noodles. After some time, I got tired of that too, and in came a non-stick pan and turner together with condiments. I began to fry vegetables, meat and eggs.

It's pretty fun to cook actually, not to mention that I'm not a bad cook. Don't ask me for cooking instructions though. I'm the kind of person who cooks by intuition. I can probably tell you the ingredients but not how to cook! Anyway, having gained some mastery of cooking, the next step is to enjoy shopping for the ingredients!

The fun thing about grocery shopping is that when you step into the supermarket and look at all the food on sale, you start thinking how to create a dish out of them. It's a fun process, because you'll start thinking about what you've tasted before and attempt to figure out how to do them yourself. I'm by no means a great cook yet, but I'm experimenting new stuff every week and hopefully by the time I stop staying on campus, I'm already an accomplished cook! :D

The Number ONE Amazing exam stunt ever

This post is dedicated to my dear Dr Cho, who pulled of the top exam stunt of the year(mind you, even though it was an open book exam, the stunt is still beyond words).

In class, he talks alot about the technology acceptance model. It didn't come out. Instead, he chose to test on the social construction of technolgy, which we didn't even spend more than an hour on.

Nevermind. The best part is that, we read about the social construction of technology in a journal paper. It's one of the hardest papers in the damn reading packet. His question to us was to critique the strengths and weakness of the research paper using the different validity constructs.

My GAWD. This paper is not written by your friendly neighbourhood ah beng. It is written by a freakin professor who has tons of numbers and what have you in the article. At most I understand like... a quarter of the paper???????? (That's pretty generous of me already).

There are masters students in the course and I heard from a friend that the masters dude beside her wrote nothing in the first hour. He was just flipping and flipping and flipping the reading packet. I forced myself to write something even though frankly, for one, I am not convinced of what I wrote, and two, I don't understand half of what I wrote.

Judging from all the crestfallen faces, I think Dr Cho just got "GODLIKE!" with his exam paper (if you play DOTA you know what I am talking about). Hopefully, I am the top of the trash heap. :D

Neither up nor down

I just did some CAP calculation because I'm not really in the mood to study now.

Current CAP: 4.32
Current MCs to date: 80
Number of MCs to go: 80

To achieve first class honours, average CAP per future semester: 4.6
To achieve second class honours (upper) average CAP per future semester: 3.7

Highest semester CAP to date: 4.6
Lowest semester CAP to date: 3.9

So, what does all the numbers mean? Basically, it means that, I cannot climb up by much or slide down by much!

I cannot imagine getting a 4.6 every semester from this semester on. I've never achieved beyond 4.6 and theorectically, to get my first class honours, I have to repeat my best performance thus far every semester! That is, quite, no, VERY hard.

Of course, if I seek just to maintain the course, I'll have a much easier time. The lowest I've ever gone is 3.9, thanks to a C+ and a B last semester, which were freak results from business modules. Theorectically speaking, with the bulk of my modules in my remaining semesters being major modules, there's no way I should slide below a 4.0 semester cap on average. So, I'll probably cruise along to a second uppers.

The moral of the story is: do NOT pick modules that will sabo your CAP. In anycase, by the time you know it, it is usually too late.

Surprise

You guys didn't mask the surprise that well, or rather, maybe I was too sharp! Haha. In anycase, I appreciate all your efforts at MM today. It's a really touching gesture, in spite of all the "whoooops!"

Now we all know why Ravio rocks. :)

P.S. The certificate is up on my door, along with the paper plate!

Birthday surprise

I am very surprised this year. It is one of the rare years when so many people actually remember my birthday. I received greetings from KJ, Mei, Robbie, Jingfen, Fwances, Pris, Tsin and Rena got the KFH RAs together to celebrate my bday in conjunction with another RA's bday. It's definitely a pleasant surprise. Birthdays has never been a big event for me since I was a kid, so I don't really care for lots of presents or even greetings. Most of the time the day just passes by uneventfully. This year is really quite different. Not to mention that I'm on duty on my bday and I happily locked myself out.

In particular I wish to mention my only birthday gift. It's Davidoff's latest line of fragrance, Echo. I've been wanting to get the Coolwater but somehow, it's always either I have no money or it's out of stock. And now I understand why we argued 2 months back. In order to dissuade me from getting the Coolwater myself so that I would be able to have a surprise on my birthday, she got into an argument with me. I still remember very clearly the fight. So, it was for a cause. I'm touched.

Air Parcel to Switzerland

I mailed out an 8kg parcel on Monday and finally it's sitting on a plane to Switzerland now. Sending such a heavy parcel isn't cheap. The cost without discount was about $125. Yup, I got a 10% discount because of some brochure that was shoved under my door. The actual postage is $97.20 but because of the damn oil prices, I had to pay more for the fuel surcharge.

In addition, I got myself a speed ball free. You know the thing that u use to prop up your laptop to prevent heat accumulation? That's the one. I alawys thought that it is ludicrous to pay $15 bucks for a cheap piece of plastic but well, this time I got it free, so I don't mind having it haha..

Anyway, how can anyone send an 8kg parcel? There's a book inside that she asked me to send over because it works out to be much cheaper after factoring in the sending costs. I think the savings is about $30 - $40. In anycase, the heavier the parcel is, the cost per kg of sending drops. So, I decided to pack as much stuff as I can afford to.

There's alot of local snacks that one probably cannot find in Switzerland, as well as instant noodles and canned food (all local flavour of course). I'm a little concerned about the Swiss customs though. There's this line about restricting the import of fish and meat preparations. Can someone tell me what the hell does the line mean? It's like so vague. Well, I hope that the parcel will not meet any problems at the customs. I've got some canned meat and fish but well, it's canned, and they didn't say canned food not allowed.

Actually I didn't plan to send so much stuff. I actually bought some snacks that I packed into the box for myself but as I was packing, I thought that I could get them anytime so I shouldn't be keeping any for myself. So my week's supply of snacks went into the parcel as well. It wasn't a very good idea in the sense that it made me spend 20 minutes packing.

The 20 minutes was because I was kiam siap and want to save on the cost of the box. I bought the box one size smaller than intended because it seemed like it would fit. It did fit, after 20 minutes and at least 5 times of emptying and repacking. I hope the Swiss customs people don't open to inspect because they are going to have a torrid time packing the stuff back in. To the Swiss customs dudes, yeah, for your own sake, don't try.

Hope it gets to Basel soon. I think it'll be a real joy to be in a foreign land and receive a treasure chest of goodies. I'm contemplating sending another batch again 7 weeks from now but I'll see how it goes. I'm not sure that I can smuggle in things like bak kwa, since "fish and meat preparations" are restricted items.

By the way, just for your laughter, there was one thing I found highly amusing in the list of items prohibited to be sent by mail to Swizterland. The item was, radar detector.

Crossroads

Some years ago, people told me that secondary four is the most important crossroad of life. Your decision will determine your future path. However, I think that I am currently at a crossroad of life that is even more important.

When you are in the third year of undergraduate study, you have to decide whether to do a fourth year. If you decide to do an extra honours year, then, you have to think whether you want to work or continue studying after graduation. The first decision is not a problem for me. I am doing my fourth year. It is the second problem that requires more careful thought.

I really don't know what profession I want to go into. I like to teach, though. MAybe it is because I like sharing my experiences. However, I only like to deal with undergraduates, not junior college or secondary school students. Immature kids irritate me. This means that I should be doing graduate studies.

However, should I do my graduate studies in Singapore or overseas? Or maybe, I could do a Masters here and then a PhD overseas. However, if I can, why not do both overseas? It's definitely better to go overseas to a university whose standing is above NUS. As much as NUS trumpets its 18th ranking by Times of London, in all honesty, the NUS name is simply not comparable to some of the other universities in the world. Examples would include Harvard, Stanford, Cornell, Columbia, Yale, Oxford, Cambridge, LSE etc.

However, the pain about graduate studies is that it takes a long time to complete. Typically a PhD programme will take 5 years mimimum. I need to consider many things. I need to bring my soon-to-be-wife along with me if I am going overseas. Naturally, it'll be the most ideal if we both can do our graduate studies in the same place. I have a study loan to pay off. I'm not confident of paying the loan off before I graduate. And, how am I going to have a proper wedding if I'm doing graduate studies after completing my undergraduate study? I simply don't have the money to. By the time I'm done with graduate studies, both me and her would be 30. That's quite late to hold a wedding dinner.

Another consideration is funding. I cannot afford to pay for graduate studies myseld. I already have problems with paying my undergraduate study loan. Unless I can secure funding, there's no way I can do graduate studies even if I want to. Furthermore, I will have to consider parental reaction. I doubt they'll object though, especially if I'm going to come home with a doctorate. They will probably extremely happy, since they still have the kind of thinking that PhD holders are genuises.

I have alot more thinking and research to do. I'm starting to like Cornell alot. However, it's an Ivy League University and it is probably not going to be easy to get in. I really should pull up my socks more.

What is this that I'm feeling?

When you know she's around, somehow, you won't miss her that much. When you know she's not around, especially when you know she's not going to be around for a long time, it just feels different. I didn't know that the knowledge of being apart for a few weeks and being apart for a few months could be so vastly different. Now, I don't really know if this is good or bad, but I do know that I probably won't be able to properly function without her for the rest of this life. Don't ask how can I be so sure. Some things, you just know it.

It's been more than 24 hours

It's been more than 24 hours since she left Singapore. She should be in Zurich and on the way to Basel by now. I'm wondering why she didn't contact me at all when the plane landed. At least an sms? Or was the phone battery flat? I don't know.

I'll just wait for a while for some news. Sigh, the problem of having 'instant' communication. In the old days, there's no need to worry. The letter to announce a safe arrival probably won't arrive until weeks later.

She's left

Yeah, hunny has gone to Switzerland. Saw her off at Changi Airport just now. I'm sure she misses me. =D

She keeps asking if I will miss her or not. I think she feels that my relatively quiet and calm reaction seems to imply that I won't miss her. Well, as to whether I am missing her or not, let me share something.

Today, when I left to see her off to the airport, I walked into the lift and I can't help but notice in the mirror of the lift that there's this very obvious strand of white hair on my head. When I see this strand of white hair, I would think, "But she won't be around to pull it out for me." (Note: My hunny likes to pull out the white hair from my head when she sees one)

When I returned from the airport, instinctively, the above thought flooded my brain again.

So, do I miss her? ;)

How To Clean An Infected Computer

The best article I've seen so far on how to protect a windows based computer, and the best part is that all the software are free! I took the following article off Grisoft's forum. Great read for anyone! =)

by Randy D. Stafford
November 26, 2004

Cleaning an infected computer today has become harder than ever. To effectively clean your system you must first learn a little about what you are trying to get rid of and what tools you need to get the job done. I'm going to try to give you some of the background, followed by the basics of getting rid of these pests.

Today there are a variety of things that can infect your computer such as viruses, worms, trojans and spyware. I refer to all of them as parasites since that word seems to best describe them. I find it best to use a multi-pronged approach to fighting parasites, so I use several software programs to find and get rid of them. Hopefully, by giving you a little of the background, you will be able to learn what tools to use and when to use them so that you may clean your computer of these parasites.

Viruses were the first computer bugs, and anti-virus (AV) software was made specifically to detect and get rid of these. Worms are a little different than viruses, which is one reason why AV software has a harder time catching them. Finally came trojan horses, usually just called trojans. These are very different than both viruses and worms. They actually take advantage of the weaknesses that are inherent in AV software. For one, most trojans actually try to hide from being detected by AV software. They also work "smarter" by creating hidden copies of themselves so that when they do get detected and cleaned, they can re-infect the computer with the hidden copy right after the AV software cleans the original infection. Basically, trojans are AV software's worst nightmare simply because AV software wasn't designed to specifically go after this type of threat. Today, AV software is much better at detecting all types of parasites than before but they will need to be redesigned and start using multiple methods if they are ever going to be effective against all parasites.

Spyware isn't a new bread of parasite. It is simply a combination of various computer exploits and they utilize various combinations of scripts, trojans and worms. Currently they take advantage of trojans the most since they are harder to detect and clean properly. Anti-spyware (AS) software was created specifically for detecting and cleaning this type of parasite, so when it comes to trojans and some worms, AS software is much better equipped to fight these than the AV software is.

First, you will need to get some software programs to help you. The following programs are what I use personally. Not only do I trust them, but they are also free for personal use. The companies that provide the free software, also provide software that they sell for use in a commercial environment. Usually, the free versions are just as good but simply don't have as many of the extra features which make the commercial versions even more attractive to use.

Anti-Spyware Software

• CWShredder - You can find it at [www.intermute.com] Current version is 2.15 - you must be using the latest version
• Lavasoft's Ad-Aware - You can find it at [www.lavasoftusa.com] Current version is SE 1.06 - you must be using the latest version
• Spybot S&D - You can find it at [www.spybot.info] Current version is 1.4 - you must be using the latest version

Anti-Virus Software

• Grisoft AVG Free - You can find it at [free.grisoft.com]

First you will want to download each of the above programs and then install them. After you install them, you MUST update them so you will have the latest protection. There is one small exception: CWShredder is a stand-alone program that doesn't need to be installed, but you do need to have it check for an update to ensure that you have the latest version. If you don't update these programs and you are infected with the latest parasites, you will not be able to effectively detect and clean them from your computer, so remember to update, update, update.

Since spyware is a bigger problem today than viruses, and spyware is typically harder to find and get rid of, I suggest to start looking for spyware first. I also use the different AS software packages in a specific order so that I go after the tougher problems first and the easiest ones last.

Turn off System Restore

• WinME and WinXP have a cool feature called System Restore. It is used to restore your computer to an earlier configuration in case of a problem. The only problem is that it wasn't made with parasites in mind, and often it can't tell the difference between an infected file and a good file, so it might automatically restore an infected file also if it had been in a protected area, effectively re-infecting your computer. Because of this, it is recommended to turn off System Restore before you test, and when you're done, turn it back on so you are still protected from standard computer problems.

• For WindowsME

Click Start, Settings, and then click Control Panel.
Double-click the System icon. The System Properties dialog box appears.

NOTE: If the System icon is not visible, click "View all Control Panel options" to display it.

Click the Performance tab, and then click File System.
Click the Troubleshooting tab, and then check Disable System Restore.
Click OK. Click Yes, when you are prompted to restart Windows.

• For WindowsXP

Click Start.
Right-click the My Computer icon, and then click Properties.
Click the System Restore tab.
Check "Turn off System Restore" or "Turn off System Restore on all drives."
Click Apply.
When turning off System Restore, the existing restore points will be deleted. Click Yes to do this.
Click OK.

Carefully Look at Windows Add/Remove programs for suspicious programs

• Many of the spyware threats actually install into your system like a program. Many appear to be utilities that you may think are helpful but in reality aren't. Look for add-an toolbars, while toolbars like those provided by Google, MSN, Yahoo and other are great utils, there are many more that aren't and if in doubt check it out to see if ones you have are parasitic. Another common exploit are the Search helpers, WinTools, Gator products, IE Helper, Comet Cursor and many others just to name a very few. Peer-to-Peer (P2P) programs are another common source for these and even the ones that doen't come with spyware themselves are a security risk that may lead to your system being infected or to spread infections like these. Remove all suspicious programs, if you are wrong, you may always re-install them later.

Run Disk Clean-Up

• This actually comes with Windows and has been installed by default since Windows 98. You can find it by clicking the Start Button and then going to Programs / Accessories / System Tools / Disk Clean-up. I recommend selecting all of its options except the ones for Office Setup Files and Compress Old Files if you have them. While you may select those if you wish, they aren't as important. This will clean up all of the temporary files so your testing will go faster, and may also delete any spyware that may hiding there if the spyware isn't already running.

Run CWShredder

• This is made for detecting and cleaning of the infamous CoolWebSearch exploits. Currently there are about 40 types of these, each with up to 4 variants and growing. These are some of the toughest ones to get rid of.

Run Ad-Aware Next

• This handles the next toughest types the best. When it finally presents you with the list of parasites it has found, put a check mark in the box next to the ones you want to get rid of, I suggest checking them all. If you want to select all, just right-click your mouse on the boxes to get the options menu, and left-click on Select All. If it says it can't get rid of a problem right now, it will ask if you want to run it again after you restart your computer, answer yes and restart your computer so it may test again.

Run Spybot Next

• When you run it, it will automatically select all the spyware that it finds, if there is something you don't want to get rid of for some reason, deselect it and then let Spybot fix all of the rest of the problems that it finds. This program also will ask to restart your computer so it can test again if it has problems removing something, so let it.

Now Run The AVG Program

• All antivirus programs, including AVG, by default have their settings to only scan executable files in an attempt to speed up looking for infections. While most of the time this is just fine, the newest threats that can infect your computer have started getting sneaky on how they hide their files making it easier for them to reinfect your system if your antivirus program detected and removed their executable file. To help also detect these "backup" files that the infection leaves on your system, you should in my opinion, make a couple of changes to what your AVG scans from just executable files to all files.

• To change AVG's settings, open AVG's Test Center.
Click the Tests menu then in both of the tests labeled Complete Test Settings and Selected Area Test Settings select Scan all Files and click the Ok button.

• Now AVG will scan all of the files when you scan your computer. This will take longer to complete, but I feel it is a small price to pay for the added security it provides.

• Have it scan for the remaining parasites that the others may have missed. If you found any parasites, you need to restart your computer so you can test everything again. There are times that after cleaning certain parasites, you will need to test again because something may have been hidden earlier by the infection. So repeat this process of testing and restarting until you find no more parasites.

• Run the scans again in Safe Mode. This will keep many of the parasites from loading and being able to hide from your protection software. To access Safe Mode on most versions of Windows, start tapping the [F8] key after you first start or restart your system, start tapping it before you ever see a Windows Splash Screen and continue until you get the Menu where you may select it from the list. On WinNT, this is called VGA mode and on Win2k you actually start tapping just after the first splash screen shows. For Detailed instructions see Restarting Your Computer in Safe Mode

These procedures should have cleaned most cases of infection that you will find. Yes I said MOST because there are some infections that are very hard to detect and remove. Generally, if you have one of these, you will need the assistance of an expert to help you get rid of it.

When you believe you are finished, remember to turn System Restore back on if you had turned it off.

I recommend testing for parasites as often as you can, probably at least once a month if not more. The sooner you catch them, the less damage they can do to your computer, and the less chance of a hacker finding your sensitive information such as checking account info, passwords, etc.

Windows Tip

Windows itself, by default, hides certain files, system folders or file extentions from the user to make it easier to navigate. If you are having to find an infected file or just one you are looking for, this can cause you to not find it. If you wish you may change this to show all of the files on your computer.

Open your My Computer icon (Either from your desktop or the Start Menu)
Click the Tools menu and select Folder Options(on older systems it may be in the View menu)
Select the View tab and scroll through the Advanced settings
Enable or disable the following (using a checkmark to enable)

enable - Show hidden files and folders
disable - Hide extentions for known file types
disable - Hide protected operating system files (WinME and WinXP only)

Now click Apply and Ok

How to find an embedded infection

AVG 7 Free now detects infections in areas that it was unable to before. The most notable are ones embedded inside of archives. Since AVG can't determine if you created the archive or if it was a parasite that created it, they leave these alone so you may have a chance to recover uninfected files from the archive and then you simply delete the archive when done. Infections that are inside of an archive aren't a direct threat to your system unless the file gets extracted to allow it to run. Grisoft has chose this method because it is safer for your data that the archive may contain.

For someone that is new to looking for these embedded infections, it can be a little confusing with the way that AVG will list the file because it also must include the archive file name that contains it in the full path/filename. The following is an example that I made up to highlight the info so you will know which filename to look for so you may either extract files and or delete the correct file. I will color code these for you, but AVG will not.

AVG will give you a name like...

C:\Windows\Temp\InfectedArchive.cab:\InfectedFile.exe

The location of the file is in C:\Windows\Temp
The archive that contains the infection is InfectedArchive.cab
And the actual infected file inside of the archive is InfectedFile.exe

Note the ":\" that seperates the archive from the file it contains.
After you have recovered any files inside of the archive that you may want to keep (other than the infected one that is) just simple delete the whole archive.. in this example the file to delete would be InfectedArchive.cab

It looks harder than it really is.. just remember the file you want to look for is named just before the last ":\"

Most of the time, you won't have any files to recover inside of the archives. The only time this isn't true is if it is an archive that you had created yourself. If you didn't create it.. just delete and move on.

From the nice folks at Questionpro.com

These dudes are really nice to offer student research license. Kudos to QuestionPro.com!

QuestionPro Online Survey Software employs an easy to use Wizard interface to author and deploy Web Based and Email Surveys. No knowledge of HTML or programming is required. A comprehensive suite of analysis tools, ranging from Simple Frequency to TURF to Conjoint, are also provided for data analysis. In addition, QuestionPro Web Survey Software provides seamless integration with SPSS and Microsoft Office products.

QuestionPro Online Surveys also licenses its software free to Students and Researchers in the academic community. The projects have to be strictly academic in nature and should not be part of any other funded research or consulting.

ESTJ and ISTJ

Hmmm... the paper MBTI test that I took says that I am an ISTJ instead of an ESTJ.

I guess the Introverted and Extroverted part really depends. If I'm in the mood, I'm an extrovert. If I don't feel like it, I'm an introvert. But, it remains a fact that Sensing, Thinking and Judging are my dominant nature. While this may make me seem cold and unapproachable (at least on paper), I'm definitely not like that. While I demand facts and can be rigid, I make it a point to listen to others and change my perceptions if I have to. Plus, I'm full of nonsense if you know me. And of course, with a healthy dose of trademark cheekiness too. :)

ARGH

So many shit to do. So little time to do. Can't even make my own decisions sometimes. And to think I have to make decisions for others most of the time. WTF.

Post Orientation Thoughts

Orientation is always the best time of the year for any University student. It's the only time where you don't worry about test, assignments or exams but worry about not having enough fun and making enough friends. To me, orientation is a hugely meaningful activity for seniors. It is the time for us to be mentors to incoming freshmen. It is the duty of seniors to give as much aid as possible to each and every freshman. The freshman's enjoyment, happiness and needs is above everything else. This means that even if you have to cancel or adjust your plans, you should do so, because freshman orientation is about what freshmen wants, not what we seniors think that they want. It's a very common mistake to plan and plan orientation activities that are not meaningful. I've observed that many activities are more about fun rather than orientation. Fun is definitely important, but not to the extent of taking over the importance of orientation. Somehow, it seems that fun has been accorded greater priority that orientation, and it's quite sad to have that happening.

Overall however, I think I've had quite a great orientation this year. Met alot of people and made a whole lot of friends. I think that my brain is struggling to cope with the storage of so many faces and their corresponding names. If I so happen not to be able to recall anyone's name, I'm really sorry. As a senior, I truly hope that what I've done has given you a great start to university life, and the biggest reward is to see all of your happy faces.

Back to readings, assignments, lectures, tutorials, tests and exams again. Darn.

Mish - Mash of Thoughts

Quite a fair bit has been happening, but I'm in quite a procrastinative mood, so I have not been writing them down.

Maybe the most surprising thing to all that know me is that I've decided not to retire from student politics. I really wanted to step down, because I thought that I've had enough, and what I mean by enough is enough unhappiness, especially when you discover the true colours of people. However, after seeing 2 years of student politics, I guess it's simply a normal occurence, and I really should remind myself not to be too bothered by it. I myself perhaps haven't been a saint myself, for I had responded to those who played politics against me in kind. In retrospect, perhaps retaliatory action wasn't the right response because it made me become a person whom I'm not. I work to serve the organization and the people in the organization because it is in my blood to do so, and it is not me to work in an organization to serve my own selfish agendas. Bothering myself with organisational politics simply drains me of my passion and desire to work and serve.

It is this desire to serve, coupled with a good partner that I can work with that I have decided to serve one more term of office. Danny strikes me as someone sincere, and he's really upfront about everything, right down to politics. Maybe I could be wrong again; after all, as the saying goes, once bitten, twice shy. However, it's always been my policy to, as far as possible, give people the benefit of the doubt, unless proven otherwise. I share many similar ideas and thoughts with him, and we're able to talk out anything without coming to blows or arguments. Most importantly, I see in him a leader who is able to carry out changes that are long overdue. The organization has been in denial for too long. We are in a sad and sorry state but many people don't seem to realise that. Danny's ability to be self critical is a trait that has unfortunately been absent from many people, and it is this kind of people we need to bring the organization up again.

Of course, if I were to run for elections with Danny, there can only be one President. I've decided not to contest with him for the position because it is not in the interest of the people we represent to do so. By agreeing to be his deputy instead, the time that would have otherwise been spent on trying to undermine each other in elections is now spent discussing on how to advance the interest of our organization and its members further. It's not the first time that I have decided to settle for something else when I can choose not to. For those who knew what happened last year, for the sake of not creating factions, I chose to withdraw (despite whatever other reasons that people might have been spreading). It may seem stupid. After all, as my fiancee puts it, why would anyone want to settle for anything less than the top if you can have a shot at it? She's absolutely right; such a decision is plainly stupid, but it is only stupid in the context of self-gain. Looking at the situation through the lens of service to the organization and its members, it seems to be the perfectly logical thing to do. In-fighting and plotting against one another simply waste precious time. As it is, each term of office is effectively 9 - 10 months, not a year. Of course, why can't other people choose to take a step back? Why must I be the one to step back? Honestly, the only answer I have to this question is that someone has to sacrifice, and I don't mind settling for less in return for the greater good of everyone. I believe in karma; ultimately, good will be rewarded with good and evil will be repaid in kind in due course.

I am not sure how much I can contribute but hopefully I can steer the organization in these times of 'upheaval'. Many changes are occurring and all of them will impact the organization. There must be capable people to steer the organization in the proper direction in the stormy sea for failure to do so will shipwreck the entire organization. I don't profess to be capable but I think innately, I have a good sense of what's the right direction and what's not. It is my hope to be able to contribute in this time of change so that the succeeding people can benefit from it.

Of course, deciding to do all that I've said is definitely not smooth sailing. First up, I just got to know that my dear Steven has been secretly talking to people who would be involved in the elections and tarnishing my name. Man, won't that kid ever grow up. I've made conscious effort to stay away from whatever he has been doing but still he refuses to leave me alone. I'm highly amused at his antics; doesn't he have better things to do? Maybe he has forgotten these words that he likes to say ever so often.

People have eyes to see.

My other problem is with my fiancee. I really didn't know how she would react to it. After all, I've already dedicated two years of my university life to student activities. Doing one more year would mean less time together, and I've sort of promised to step down and spend more time with her. However, she was surprisingly understanding when I told her the main reason that is making me reconsider. The following statement by her really touched me.

If that is what you really want to do, just go for it.

I guess she really knows me well. She knows that it is just so me to want to serve and try and make a difference. Although letting me go would mean less time together and she has always been complaining about the lack of time together, she still chose to let me serve another term of office. Honestly, if she said no, I would have turned Danny down, as much as I might not have wanted to. Maybe this is the result of being together and knowing each other for so long. The level of mutual understanding is beyond description.

Sidetrack: I just thought that the lyrics of the song by Bon Jovi that's playing now is just so appropriate.

Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

And I do want to say to my fiancee, "Thank you for loving me".

The feeling of being sick

I couldn't sleep last night. My stomach was enduring waves of attacks. It hurt so bad that I was doubling over my bed with each wave. I suspect it's that piece of squid that I ate at Marina. I cooked it and ate it, and I remember to wondering to myself that it didn't really taste very cooked. But I thought it might have been my imagination, so I ate it anyway. Well, the end result is that I couldn't go for Rag today, and had to drag myself to UHWC to see a doctor. The medication is keeping the pain down, but it's still there. And I have totally ZERO appetite today. I have only eaten one soon kuey for the entire day. Sucks. I think I'll go and have some soupy stuff later, after I take my medication. I hate being confined to the bed (well, actually I do enjoy being confined to the bed, but only when it's voluntary confinement a.k.a being lazy). I've not started to vomit or have diarrhea yet, so I hope it stays that way. Stomach pain, diarrhea and vomitting all in one will really be the most lethal combination to my already flagging spirits.

Petty Politics

I'm tired shit but I'm going to write this anyway.

It is amazing how petty politics can just piss you off. Why is it that people cannot work together for the benefit of an organization? Why is it that people must suspect each and every action of another colleague to have some ulterior motive? Why must people think that their success must come at the expense of their colleague's failure? Why must people think win-lose rather than win-win?

I chose to withdraw from Arts Club elections almost one year ago because I do not wish to create factions in the Management Committee. To me, it makes more sense to me that the committee thrive under the leadership of one rather than suffer under the leadership of two polar personalities. In the end, people ended up creating their own factions, something that I so desperately wanted to avoid.

Wake up fools. Do you people not understand that you are working not for yourself but for an organization? Is your personal glory more important than the organization's glory? Isn't it so utterly stupid to waste time, energy and effort trying to second guess and undercut one another? This time, energy and effort can be better used for your yourself, family, friends or the organization.

And you all call yourself undergraduates.

The unpredictability of life

I just realised that it's been one full month since I last blogged. So much has happened since then. I shall attempt to do a summary of the past month.

Once again, I've failed in my PSC scholarship application. I've a feeling that they don't like to give a chance to current undergraduates. So much for the furore over Philip Yeo's comments on male PSC scholars. Honestly, those guys giving out scholarships should wake up their idea abit. Male undergraduates are older and more mature than 19 year old army boys. I'm sure they know what they want in life better and thus are less likely to break bonds. After all, an undergraduate who applies will only be given allowances and tuition fees for the number of years left. Why would anyone be so stupid as to apply and receive the same bond as a fresh JC grad unless he's sure that this is the career that he wants to pursue? Ah well, if you don't want to give then I also can't be bothered. As the Chinese saying goes, if this place doesn't wants you to stay, there will naturally be another place that would want you.

The good news is, my fiancee has gotten her Masters scholarship! She gets to go to Swizterland for 4 months to study! That means 4 months apart but well, it's small change compared to her getting the scholarship. And, by the time she finishes her masters, I would still have not completed my undergraduate studies (about 3 months to go before I complete my undergrad studies). So, technically, I'll be an A level graduate dating a masters graduate! :p

As I was browsing through some of my last entries, I realised that my relationship has somehow gone up another level. Maybe it's her 2 weeks to the Philippines and 2 weeks to Sri Lanka for YEP. Somehow, the absence has made me grown to appreciate her presence more. And, somehow, the last big barrier has miraculously been overcome. Maybe that too has a part to play in making me feel that the relationship feels so much stronger now. It's a huge step for her to take and honestly, I'm deeply touched by it. To do something that is so not in your character for the sake of someone you love is a sign of how much you love that person. I'm really thankful to have such unconditional love from her.

Thank you hunny.

Wounded in Action... by the dentist...

It's 3.14am on my clock. I'm still awake. All thanks to the irritating wisdom tooth extraction.

Sigh, I think it's got infected. I've checked up quite a number of sites online about wisdom tooth extraction and yes, I'm so proud to announce that I have almost all the symptoms of an infection. I took out the tooth on the right, and right now, as I am typing, the extraction site hurts (not acute though, it's more of a dull and continuous pain), my right ear is hurting too (same dull and continuous pain) and the right side side of my head is experiencing headache (it's the dull and continuous type too but sometimes, there some pounding type of pain that's more painful than the dull pain but it won't send me into spasms). And, the bleeding has not stopped. It's Thursday now. I had the extraction on Tuesday, 2pm. The bleeding didn't stop at all since the extraction. Plus, Kuok Foundation House is a mosquito infested place. I've donated alot of blood to the mosquitoes too. At the rate I'm going, a blood tranfusion might be in order.

I think I'm going to the UHWC first thing in the morning to let the professionals take a look. I've not seen a doctor in like 2 years and now I have to see one because of a stupid post wisdom tooth extraction healing process gone awry. I guess it was due to the fact that I have unusually large root canal. The dentist was commenting on that when he saw the extracted (and decayed) wisdom tooth. Maybe the extra large root canal caused a bigger wound, thus making it harder to heal and more prone to infection? Whatever it is, it SUCKS BIG TIME.

No, the story has not ended. I only took out one wisdom tooth. There's ANOTHER. Oh man, I don't know whether to be happy or sad. Taking out 2 would mean I'll settle both once and for all. But, already one is causing so much problems. Also, at least I could chew food on the other side. I cannot imagine if I took out both and both got infected. I can start fasting then. And, looking at my body frame, fasting is not advisable, unless I think that looking like Kate Moss is in vogue.

I have no idea how bloody long I'm going to stay awake. This stupid tooth is keeping me awake. And, after I write this post, I wonder how to kill time, or try and make myself go to sleep. Sigh. And, the best part is, my fiancee is still in Manila and won't be back until tomorrow. It sucks to go through the agony alone. At least she could cheer me up or something. Now, I only have me, myself, and my blood stained pillow (because I drooled when I was sleeping yesterday).

I went to the dental clinic on Tuesday hesitantly, because I don't like to visit a dentist and I have only visited a dentist a grand total of twice over the last 5 years (with last Tuesday being my second time). And, this experience has just reinforced my dislike for any negative tooth related issues. ARGHHH...

Cousin's wedding

Attended my counsin's wedding this evening. I was all alone. My dad didn't want to go for some reason and claimed to be busy working. My mother didn't feel like going and claimed to have a bad headache. My sister just didn't want to go and it's the same with my brother. If no one goes, it's going to look real bad on my family so I had to go. Right after a full day of helping out with FASS@NUS Day. And, the night before I was up till 3am putting up posters, doing placards and other stuff. Oh yeah, it rained so heavily in the evening in NUS and I had no umbrella. Got drenched on my way back to Kuok (yeah I'm in KFH now) to change. When I left to take the bus, the rain was thankfully much smaller but still, it was more than a drizzle so I got wet again. I guess everyone at the dinner must be wondering why I look super sian and being awfully quiet. I don't think I spoke more than 15 sentences the entire night.

Anyway, the above paragraph was just meant to let off a little bit of steam. What's more important really is my cousin's wedding. It's a shotgun wedding. Thankfully, the choice of dress for the dinner did quite manage to hide the tummy, though if you look closely, you can see the bulge. Personally, there's nothing wrong about a shotgun marriage to me, depending on the circumstance of course. If 2 people have been dating for an awfully long time and they had an accident, I think it's fine. If one can stand being with the other for so long, I'm sure the shotgun marriage will last. The problem is that my cousin is the play boy type. He's had dozens of girlfriends and I believe, many other unaccounted for flings. Maybe this example will illustrate things better. The Chinese New Year this year, he brought a girlfriend to his paternal grandparents place to visit. Halfway, leaving the girlfriend there, he went to pick up girlfriend number 2 to visit his maternal grandparents. He could go to a circus with his fine art of balancing.

In such a scenario, I really wonder about how long the marriage will last. He was together with her for a year or so, and then they got married because of the upcoming baby. One year of courtship really is insufficient to decide on marriage. Both parties are probably still in a honeymoon state and the bad and ugly wouldn't have really had a chance to rear its head, or at least, not seriously. It takes a couple of years for two people to get really close and familiar enough to start being no-holds-barred about their emotions and that's the time to tell whether a union between the two can stand the test of time. I can only hope that the coming of the baby will inject a greater sense of responsibility into my cousin's brain. If not, this marriage is headed for disaster.

As you know, I was quite sian to be at the wedding (I'm not close to my relatives) so I took the time to think about my own relationship. As far as the odds go, I think I'm a safer bet compared to my cousin in having a lasting marriage. However, that's a side dish. I was thinking about how my life has changed since she came into my life. Kinda inspired by the video clip my cousin's friends did for him.

I can remember those days, fresh out of an all boys secondary into JC, where you finally have girls for classmates. You don't know how wonderful that can be if you were from a mixed school. Naturally, I had tons of infatuations easily because an all boys school doesn't have the suitable environment to train you to handle that. Maybe infatuation isn't a very accurate description. I would say that I was craving company. So, I ended up with a not-so-good reputation with respect to BGR because I was to relentless in the pursuit of a partner (i.e. if one doesn't work out, the target board switches quickly). Until I got to know my hunny.

It's really a twist of fate. I was a highly active IRCer, and I was talking to another friend online. She privately messaged me and told me that there's this person bugging her, and this unidentified nick knew who my friend was. My friend asked me to check her out anonymously (you know the standard "hi, intro pls?"). That's how I got to know my hunny. Found out that she was from my same JC but different faculty. Within a week, I asked her out to town and three weeks later, we're together. Looking back, it's pretty fast. From total strangers to a couple in 4 weeks? Amazing. Of course, if you consider our 6 year long courtship, it's even more amazing.

But, really, it's not about how long we've been together. It's what she's brought into my life that matters. Actually, coming to think about it, she's the only person in this whole world whom I would declare to be someone that I really really really (it's grammatically wrong to have 3 'really's but I want to emphasize it) feel close to. Not even my parents come any where close. Maybe it's the way I've been brought up. I just feel so uncomfortable sharing my innermost thoughts with my parents. They don't understand what I go through. They always bring up glory stories of their past (which isn't really glorious in my opinion but yeah, they are entitled to theirs) and start going on about how fortunate I am/the way things are in the past are better and you should be like the past etc. It's always about the past and the past. I mean, really, fuck the past. It's over. WAKE UP. What I need is you to understand my present state and not impose your past on me. Maybe more than a decade of such a life made me very much quiet in my family, especially after upper secondary when I grew up a little and became more critical in my thinking. Till this day, when I'm at home, a day can go by with me speaking no more than a combined total 20 sentences to my family. I don't talk much to my siblings because we've very different thinking. The only person in this world who I can really talk to is my hunny.

We've had our fair share of problems. There are problems to this very date. Nonetheless, I do wonder if I would have gone insane if she wasn't around to listen to me and sound me out. She reads me inside out and can sense my moods and feelings with near pin point accuracy. I have a natural tendency to clam up and suffer everything silently and she has a natural tendency to pry open my thoughts and feelings to make me share them. And, she's made me pick up plenty of habits, for example, brushing teeth twice a day. Ok, go and have a laugh. I've always been brushing teeth once a day before I met her. Even I start talking like her. I've lost track of the number times where the both of us will respond to something at the same time, with the same words and tone. Such is the power of love (ok, that's cliche. How about "Such is the power of a relationship").

I've feel that I've been more quiet that usual lately and it has nothing to do with her being not in Singapore (she's on a tour of the Philippines now). In fact, I think I'm quite bothered about some longstanding issues with our relationship. In spite of all the amazing things that she's brought into my life, there are still things that stand in the way and makes me so frustrated and upset from time to time. In fact, many times, I just sweep these things under the carpet and attempt to convince myself that everything is ok. She's wonderful and these problems might just somehow work themselves out someday. But, things don't seem to work themselves out and it's bothering me. I've committed myself to marrying her but with these problems, I do find myself questioning my commitment. What if even marriage cannot solve these problems? What am I to do? Suffer quietly? Divorce? Or maybe it's a wiser option to jump ship now?

I don't think I can ever make myself jump ship. I simply can't. But the problems are taking its toll on me. I suspect that my lack of energy, quietness and a constant solemn look on my face might have been a subconscious manifestation of me cooping up my problems. I don't really discuss these issues with her because I'm afraid to face her reactions. I don't want to make her angry/upset/cry. I'm running away for now, but I don't know how long I can run away. But I really don't know how to work these things out either. We've tried working it out before, but it never worked.

How will my own marriage turn out? I wonder.