[ 31 Aug 2003 | 12:07pm ]
after all this time, after all of the sessions i've been to, i still have to sit back and wonder why i did it. why i chose to hurt someone i loved so much and hurt a friendship with another.

i see him around campus all the time. i haven't talked to him as of recently but everytime i see him i just want to run up and hug him and apologize profusively. but my therapist said space can sometimes be the best thing. while it might be the best thing, it's driving me insane. all i want to do is hold him again. but i have this feeling it may or may not happen. if anything, i want the friendship back.

i've been hiding out as of recently. i haven't wanted to talk to anyone, see anyone. i wanted to catch up with my school work and try to work everything out in my head of why i'm so fucked up.

but i want to change that. i want friends again. i want to see him again.

i just want to be normal again.
 
suck what?
[ 16 Aug 2003 | 09:19pm ]
i saw tyler a few days ago and we had a nice conversation. it was weird though, cause he came to my room. he said he was just passing it up on the way to his room and wanted to see how i was doing but thought that i was asleep. alas, i wasn't cause my room is hotter then hell, but it was a nice surprise to see him again.

i miss him...

otherwise, life has pretty much been school and therapy. i'm boring.
 
suck what?
[ 04 Aug 2003 | 04:46pm ]
tyler and i had a civil conversation yesterday. it was nice. i think we were both really nervous cause it was the first time we really talked since...well...yeah that. but it was nice either way. i miss him...and i really hope we can get this worked. even if the relationship would have to be put on hold or whatever, a friend still works for me.

i could always use more friends.

so i started my counciling. it's going ok for the most part. my mom did some damn good research on the psychs in the area, cause she hooked me up with one who specializes in gay and lesbian youth. he admitted to me that he's gay himself, so he knows exactly where i'm coming from and how i work aparently.

having someone to talk to that knows nothing about me or my situation, yet understands me, is pretty cool.

he said he doesn't think i need rehab. i told him that until this last incident, i didn't use any drugs or really drink that much while i was in the relationship with tyler. he said that if things don't work out that he could be a good influence on me, cause even if we would stop seeing each other i still care about him enough to change my life.

so he wants me to let things pass and see what happens. if i start up again then we'll think about a rehab of some sorts, but he doesn't want to put me into some juvenile program, cause most of the cases that go in there don't come out totally clean.

i think he'll be able to help me alot. he told me that everyone goes through that stage of drugs and alcohol abuse, especially gay youth, because they need something to turn to whenever they feel alone or outcasted because they're different. he thinks i have a pretty good shot of coming around, especially since i admitted to myself that i have a problem.

sometimes realizing the problem is the first step of overcoming it.
 
1 | suck what?
[ 25 Jul 2003 | 12:53pm ]
*walks into his room and rips off his tie, throwing it on the floor, his dress shirt following soon after. he sits down at his computer with a sigh and logs into his account, scrolling through his friends pages first and sees writings from tyler and sighs, figuring that something like this was bound to happen.*

so i decide to come back to north carolina by myself. it was probably better that way in the long run.

dad's funeral was...well...it was a normal navy funeral. when they gave my mom the flag she broke down, and i broke down with her. it was a mother/son bonding experience. but it shouldn't have happened the way it did.

but the fly over was kinda cool.

my mom is making me come back to school. i don't know why i'm even going to bother. everyone there hates me now because of what i did, and frankly i don't blame them. my bo---...well hell i don't know what we are cause we never officially "broke up" but we never said that we were still together either. but from what i've read it seems as if he's starting to move on.

it hurts. i didn't think that everything that happened would hurt me as much as it hurt him. but it did.

*he hears the house phone ring and sits back, waiting for his mother's voice to see who it is. after a minute or two she yells upstairs to him "kimo!! that was your councilor. your appointment is tomorrow afternoon, so we're going to fly you back tonight. so get ready!!" he rolled his eyes to himself and rolled back to the computer*

i guess i'm coming back tonight. great. well...maybe i can turn myself around. make some new friends. i have a feeling i should avoid tyler when i get back. he's probably over me by now anyway, and i want him to be happy.

if he's happy without me, then so be it.

*he clicks update and walks over to his bed and flops down into it, sniffling into the pillow softly, turning his head to the side and sees a picture of him and tyler during the summer break in a frame, setting it face down on the stand and burring his face back into his pillow.*
 
3 | suck what?
[ 20 Jul 2003 | 06:24pm ]
*walks back down to his room after coming from a short talk with tyler, closes the door and slides down it and sits on the floor, pulling his legs up to his chest and lowers his head into them, crying softly.*

so...stupid...

*hears the telephone ring and quickly gets up, takes a few breaths, and answers it shakily.* 'hello? hi mom. yeah i'm almost ready. no i don't know if he's going to come or not. i just came from over there and he said he's going to let me know. yeah i know i'm stupid thank you for pointing that out to me again...' *he picks up a shirt off the floor and smells it, realizing it's clean and throws it into his suitcase* 'yes mom i do. i hate being like this. i realized after all of this that i need help, that i'm a screw up and always have been. i just needed something like this to smack me in the face. uh huh. well, i would rather go to a profess...NO mom i don't want to go to rehab. that was the first time i've done drugs since i've been here. whatever...i'll go to a professional first then if he thinks that i should do rehab, then i'll go to rehab. just don't let it get around the base that i'm doing this, cause they'll just put me down more than what they already do. you know as well as i do that some of the people on the base had a field day when i came here. uh huh...yeah gate 10. i know. ok...love you too. see you soon mom.'

*hangs up the phone and throws it across the room before sitting back down on the floor, leaning against the bed, crying softly while looking up at the ceiling.*
 
suck what?
[ 19 Jul 2003 | 06:37pm ]
it started with a simple hello. i said i was gay off the bat but that didn't matter. drugs make you do stupid fucking things, and now i'm paying for it. i never wanted it in the first place. but i was too nice of a person to say no to her. all i wanted was a friend. why did it have to turn into more.

granted, i may have let my emotions get in the way. i may have fell for her. but i had never been with a girl before and it was a new and kind of exciting experience for me. but she knew i was taken. tyler was ALL that i would talk about. but she persued. i'm not going to place all the blame on her, but you know what. i'm a player by nature. i love tyler with all of my being and i would never do anything to hurt him.

but in reality? the lack of sex was killing me. i just needed something. i never wanted it to go that far. after coming from being with a different guy every month or two and having lots of sex and going into a relationship that's actually full of love was kind of scary. but i'm enjoying every minute of it. but there were times that i needed the sex part so bad but i didn't want to push it. she gave me that.

and that's where my emotions fell. was the sex.

anyone i had dated in the past and had sex with i said i loved them. when it would break off a few months later, they knew that i didn't love them anymore than the sex and the friendship. and that's exactly what she is. a friend...that gave me what i was craving.

but tyler i love. i love him more than i've ever loved anyone before. and i know it's real. cause i get goosebumps from touching him or just thinking about him. i could go the rest of my life without having sex with him and i would still love him.

i don't have that with her.

you weren't supposed to say anything about it. but you did. and now tyler's a mess because of it. and adding onto this, my father is fucking dead. so you know what naomi? it's done. you broke your promise. maybe after i cool down we can still be friends. but it will be NOTHING more than that EVER.

you have to regain my trust. big time.

and THAT is why i was going to leave almost permanantly. cause i didn't want to deal with tyler's broken heart if he ever found out about it and i couldn't handle two people at once. but now that i know you broke the promise, i have all intentions of coming back after the funeral. because i love him. more than ever. i don't love you...you were just sex.
 
[ mood - pissed off ]
4 | suck what?
[ 19 Jul 2003 | 05:32pm ]
*sits on his bed, holding his pillow tight to his body, rocking back and forth, tears streaming down his face but oddly, very calm.*

he's dead. i can't believe he's dead. he was shot. again. and yet again, he did nothing to deserve it. he was actually saving someone's life.

he was leaving the hospital from his physical therapy from the last time he was shot. he was walking pretty slow still cause he still needed the assistance of a cane. there were a bunch of gay rights protesters outside of the hospital making a picket line and holding up signs. i guess a few days before, a homophobic doctor refused to work on a little boy who was having a sugar attack from his diabetes because he had lesbian mothers. the little boy died by the time doctors came to save him.

well as my dad was walking out, a black car pulled infront of the hospital and a man in the passengers seat rolled down the window and started firing at the protesters. dad jumped out infront of one of them to save his life, and the bullet hit him just shy of his heart.

my dad...the one who tried to kill me because i'm gay...saved a gay man's life. he died an hour later from internal bleeding. mom went to his side. despite the divorce, she still loved him.

his last words? "tell kimo i'm sorry."

i...i have to go home. it may be for a couple weeks, it may be permanantly. it depends on how my mother is feeling after we get through the funeral. i...i'm leaving today. i have to go...

[OOC edit : i lied, i'm not leaving, because i just found out something that is making me stay. his dad is still dead though...i'm going to make another post.]
 
[ mood - crushed ]
suck what?
[ 15 Jul 2003 | 08:45pm ]
so i know i haven't been around much. and i've been avoiding this thing like the plague cause my life as of recently as been beyond boring that i've not known what to talk about.

tyler and i have been kind of distant lately. no fault except our own really. between our classes, him off doing cheerleading stuff, and i've been working out a lot cause i would like to tryout for the swim team, but that's still up in the air. we've spent a few nights together but it's mostly been a hey, i miss you, and then we fall asleep. not much for quality time, but it's something.

found a new friend. naomi, she kicks ass. we get drunk and make prank phonecalls and watch lord of the rings. she's fun times.

hopefully tyler and i will get our scheduels straightened out soon. i miss him.

( ooc )
 
5 | suck what?
[ 05 Jul 2003 | 05:47pm ]
( ooc-ness. please read. )
 
1 | suck what?
[ 26 Jun 2003 | 03:21am ]
*sits down at the computer and turns to the body in my bed, smiling happily and turns back, swatting at the random bugs against the computer screen and begins to type.*

he looks so peaceful sleeping. i love falling asleep after he does cause i get to watch him when he's the most vulnerable, and he's beautiful when he's in that state. it makes me want to wrap my arms around him and never let go.

he's been really busy lately. between school and cheerleading. but i'm proud of him. even if the time we spend together is the time we spend before we sleep, than it makes me happy, cause i know he's out working hard and loving every minute of it.

who would've thought it would've lasted this long. i was never one for long relationships, but he totally changed that for me.

but i've come to realize that i haven't been that social. a lot of new kids have appeared and i don't think i've really met any of them. oh wait, there was one. but i wouldn't be able to tell you her name for the life of me. i'm bad with names. but feel free to seek me out anyway.

*clicks update and turns off the computer, sliding away from the desk and into the bed, sliding my arms around tyler's waist and falling asleep happily*

( ooc )
 
1 | suck what?