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7/25/03 @ 10:36 pm ( OOC. ) just need  a little direction.

004. The lights go out. 7/25/03 @ 3:47 am The darkness closes in around him, surrounding him and pressing in on him until it is barely possible to take a breath. He opens his eyes and blinks but the darkness is too thick, too black. He reaches out, trying to push away the nothingness, his arms moving forward into it and disappearing. They only reappear when he pulls them back to his body, hugging himself. He tries to think of something to say, wanting to call out to someone for help, but his mind fails to formulate any words for his tongue. Then as suddenly as the thick blackness came it is replaced with the glow of the lamp on the nightstand next to his bed. Nate sits up, dropping his arms in his lap as he looks around the room and takes in a deep breath. He is relieved that he can see and breath again. He opens his mouth to say something, but stops before any noise escapes from his mouth. He is relieved to know that his mind can formulate a thought. He needs nothing more. He drags his fingers through his damp, limp hair, tugging on it before sighing and looking around the room again. He reaches over and turns off the lamp before laying back on his back. The nightlight in the bathroombetween his room and his brother's room casts a warm, dim glow over the room, but Nate cannot go back to sleep. He resigns himself to another night of studying the ceiling. Dragging himself out of the bed, he makes his way over to the computer and turns on the monitor, waiting for the screen to light up before leaning back in his chair to type. Fuck. I thought I was going to make it through another night. I was on a winning streak. I was battling the insomnia and I was prevailing. And now this. Another damn dream and I'm awake. My eyes feel like they could use a few days in a nice saline solution. I think I'm going to blame all of the drama and move on. It's easier than confronting the real issues that are constantly hanging in the back of my mind. One of these days maybe I will say something to someone, one of the girls, and have a nice long talk. shea_omalley would probably be a good one for that duty. But for now I am going to blame it all on my concern for evelyn_greer today. I think I'll also blame it on the fact that I am stuck in one of those moods where I wish I was just a little closer to a lot of people. Hell, where I was a bit more popular than I am at this point. I know people like me and that is great, but sometimes these feelings sneak up on me. They scream JOCK! at me and I have this intense desire to pick up more sports once school starts. I almost want to do it, just to be safe or something. I was talking to some of the girls today and we got to talking about different people. We got a little dose of analyze Nate and his issues. They don't understand why I might be intimidated by beau_johnson. I'm not afraid of him. He's a nice guy and we get along. But it's like he can snap his fingers and get whatever he wants. The girls tell me that that's not true, but I don't quite believe them. And don't get me started on edward_ball. That is intimidation with a capital I. It has always been that way though. I was intimidated by him last year. I like the guy a lot. He's got this whole thing balanced out. Who wouldn't be envious of that? He's always had things together, or at least since like second grade. But I don't even know what I'm rambling about anymore. I should go get something to eat and find some chatroom to waste a few hours in. You can find some interesting people on the internet, that's for sure. I'm sure I could rack up a few stalkers for a little excitement, except when they tried to track me down, they'd see the city I live in and high-tail it out of here. So much for that idea. I'll have to find something else to amuse myself. He posts the entry and pushes his chair back from the desk, running his fingers through his tangled hair as he stands up. He digs his socked toes into the hardwood floor before crossing the room and opening his door as quietly as possible. He slips out into the hall, checking that the other doors are all closed before slipping out into the hall and padding down the stairs to the kitchen for a snack just need  a little direction.

003. Chatter. 7/24/03 @ 9:15 pm mood  is  disappointed. music  is  Allister - Overrated. Just getting home from dinner out with some friends, Nate turns on his computer, walking over to the closet to change shirts while he waits for it to boot up. He pulls on a soft, faded blue t-shirt and crosses the room again. He turns on the stereo before sitting down in the chair at his desk and turning to face the computer. He leans back in the chair, chewing his bottom lip as he debates what to say, knowing Edward has already said it all best. I know everyone has given there opinion about all the drama going around here and I am usually one to do my best to stay out of it. Though, I am debating whether that makes me more of a target or less then one. Either way, the pull is too strong sometimes, especially when it revolves around someone I consider a good friend. And Evelyn is just that. I know this rumor is bullshit. It's a little too middle school to even have a drop of truth in it. I am just very interested in the number of people who seem to believe it, especially the number of people who supposedly know Evelyn so well. Did one of them even bother to ask her about it? I doubt it. These things never work out that way. It also makes me sit here and wonder what certain people are trying to cover up by attacking the innocent. They have to be trying to deflect some of the attention from themselves. So, in my few philosophical moments of the day, I ponder this. I have yet to figure it out though. In better news, kyleigh invited me to go up to the lake with her and a few people this weekend. I think it will be a good time. Or I hope it will be. I'm cool with most of them and could get to know a few better. So, let's hope the weather holds out. I am so sick of rain. We just need a few sunny days to set things back in balance. And I finally looked at my schedule for the fall. Everyone was asking me if I was with them in this and that, and I hadn't really taken a good look at it. I just knew about yearbook. The rest is oh so thrilling, I'm sure you are all just desperate to see it. 1. American History 2. Algebra II 3. Yearbook 4. American Literature 5. English 11 6. Acapella Choir Ah, American Lit right before English. Now that sounds like a great time for me. I'm sure I'll just excell in those two. Sometimes I wonder who works up these schedules and if they have it in for me or what. I'm sure everyone bitches about that though. I am looking forward to AAE though and sports once they really get going. I do like to be busy, although you wouldn't guess it by taking a look at my lazy ass during the summer. He leans back in his chair again, scanning what he's written and fixing a few typos. He glances down at the clock in the lower corner of his screen before sitting back up again and adding a little bit more. I think I'll go mess around on the piano for a little bit. If anyone needs me, I'll have my cell in my pocket, as usual. If you don't know the number, then I probably don't want you calling me. He posts the entry and opens up his email, checking it before pushing away from the desk, checking to make sure his phone is in its usual place in his pocket. He kicks off his shoes, leaving them near the foot of the bed and takes the stairs two at a time as he heads down to the formal living room that houses the family piano. just need  a little direction.

Social Thought of the Moment. 7/24/03 @ 2:37 am andrew_hayes is a shoo-in for an Oscar or an Emmy. He has his act down pat. just need  a little direction.

Boo. Hiss. 7/23/03 @ 11:32 pm mood  is  blah. music  is  The Swift. Nathaniel Andrew Keary is cranky tonight. He would call someone and make some plans, but he wouldn't want to be a burden. There's always that option of throwing himself down the stairs on purpose. That one is never as appealing as it first sounds. Instead I think I will go outside and finally make chalk drawings on the driveway. Yay, it's like second grade all over again. just need  a little direction.

002. Brother. 7/23/03 @ 2:34 pm Yesterday was fairly uneventful. I thought the rain would never let up. I thought I was going to have to throw myself down the stairs on purpose. At least there would be some drama if I did that, right? Except I don't really feel like a hospital stay during the dwindling last days of summer. All I wanted to do yesterday was be outside. Even if I was just sprawled out on the sidewalk coloring with chalk. Yes, I am 7 years old again. But, I couldn't help it, I was so stir crazy. And Tyler would not leave me alone. He kept bugging me to help him clean the hamster cage. He harassed me about it until Aaron finally got home from the gym and helped him. He is a much better brother than I am and I am not afraid to admit that. I wonder if he's realized that he has become more of the father type than the brother type. I doubt he ever imagined that for himself two years ago when he stepped off that stage with his high school diploma in his hand. He had so many plans to get out of this town. He even had the means to do all of it. Scholarships are a true gift for any family, I think. I mean, we're not poor by any means, but we aren't multi-millionaires or anything, so money like that is always a blessing. With all of that he was on his way out of Denholm and out of Maine. I have no doubts that he would have been gone forever if it wasn't for the accident. For a while afterwards, I thought that it wasn't going to effect him at all. I considered the possiblity that he was so far away and so disconnected form it, that he could just push it aside. Then I overheard my dad talking to Aaron on the phone one night and it all became so clear to me. I had been so angry at Aaron because I was convinced that he didn't care. I thought he was just off living life as a college sports star who had eveything going for him. It wasn't like that for him. He was frantic being so far away and removed from the situation. But I listened to my father assure him that everything was alright and tell him that he needed to finish out the semester. There was no way for Aaron to get around my father without coming across as being very disrespectful and our parents didn't raise us to be that way. So, he was stuck at school. I can understand what my father was trying to do though. He was just trying to do what he thought was best for each of us at the time. Aaron came home the day after school let out only because he couldn't get back any faster. He's been here since. He moved back into his old bedroom and it's just like it was before. Except he's a completely different person. I wonder if his old friends realize just how different he is now. He takes care of Tyler in a way he never did before. He tries to take care of me too, but I don't need much care at 17. I wonder if he ever regrets leaving school and coming back here after the accident. I never really asked him what he wanted out of college, what he wanted to do with his life. I always thought we were so different. I have come to realize that we are much more alike than we are different. I have come to realize that I was jealous of him and what he had. I don't think I'm jealous anymore. I don't envy him. Hell, I don't envy myself. I do admire him, though. He has become something that might not impress his friends, but that impresses me and shows people that he knows what is important. just need  a little direction.

001. Monday. 7/21/03 @ 3:36 pm He drops his bag next to the front door as he steps into the foyer of the house, kicking off his tennis shoes and leaving them near the door despite the protests he'll get from his father when he comes home from work. Pushing the front door closed behind him, he makes his way to the back of the house, not seeing any signs of life in any of the rooms. He is about to call out to see if anyone is home when he spots a note on the kitchen counter. Nate, I had to leave early to pick Tyler up from baseball practice. Dad is bringing home take-out and he said he should be home on time. If you need anything, call me on my cell. I hope you had a good day at school. Love, Aaron You know the brother never used to throw the "L" word around with anyone, not even any of us. It always strikes me as very interesting when I notice things like that. I never really thought about that before. I guess I assumed that most 20-year olds guys don't bother with the "L" word, so it didn't seem weird. I mean I don't use it much really either, so it's no big deal. I have just been noticing that in the past year or so he has really opened up some. He gives me hope when I need it. I wonder if he knows that. He smiles as he crumples up the piece of paper and throws it in the trashcan under the island. He walks over to the refrigerator and opens it, gazing into the cool light for a few moments before settling on a waterbottle. He heads upstairs, taking them two at a time. He reaches for the remote to his stereo on the corner of his dresser before collapsing back on his unmade bed and setting it to shuffle all the discs in the stereo. I always wonder about people I pass on the street. I wonder what their names are and what their families are like. I wonder how long they have lived in this town. I wonder if they have any pets. I wonder if they wonder things about me. I know you can't tell any of these things by just looking at someone. No one can tell by looking at me that I live in a house with three guys. Wow, that makes it sound like a frathouse or something. It is anything but that. Between my Dad, my older brother, and my younger brother it is more like Romper Room or something. When I was younger, I never imagined this is how my life would be at age 17. I always pictured my mother, father, older brother, and me all living in a nice house with a picket fence even. And a dog! But who has a picket fence anymore? And it turns out I am extremely allergic to dogs. Instead, I live in this nice house with my father, my older brother, my younger brother, his 7 fish, his turtle, and his hamster. It just goes to show that you can't predict the future. I should have known those psychic hotlines were truly phonies. I mean who charges $3.99 a minute to tell you they see someone with dark hair in your future. Do they know how many people in this world have dark hair at one point or another in their life? But I don't really have anything too significant to complain about at this point either. For all the horror stories you hear about being a teenager and being in high school, things seem to be going pretty well for me. I think it was my pre-teen years that were out to get me. Now I feel like I am in a lull. Well, except for on Mondays. I never feel very lulled on Mondays. It never fails to jack me up. I make it to school and have always forgotten at least three things I was supposed to do over the weekend. I can write them down, but then the pen either washes off my palm or I can't read what I wrote anyway, so I am convinced it's a lost cause. I am doomed to forever be frantic on Mondays. ( OOC. ) just need  a little direction.

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