| What is it about first love? |
[30 Nov 2005|10:20pm] |
What is it about first love that makes it so hard to let go of?
He's feeling it now; he's missing me. This is the closest he's come to loving another girl and he's terrified. She is not me. Until he understands that he'll still miss me.
I still believe that we'll be together some day.
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| secrets. |
[19 Jun 2005|10:33pm] |
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Why can't everyone just love eachother without having to worry about consequences. I love Tyler, and I love Evan. I made my decision though... and I've got to stick with it.
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| just for me |
[07 Mar 2005|04:30pm] |
So I almost completely forgot about this journal. I have a new one on Greatestjournal, but that ones linked to my myspace, so naturally it's not very private. This ones just for me. I just read through all the past entries on here... wow if anyone I knew read this I'd be... embarassed.
The last entry I wrote here... Evan and I were still together. Oh baby....all the times I siad I loved him. I really did. I know I really did, especially now. What is it about him? He's not necessarily charming, of thoughtful, or sweet, but I love being with him. He makes me feel so comfortable... and happy. Evan after all the times he hurt me, all the times I cried at night in my room. I still love him.
The problem? I'm going out with Tyler. Tyler is absoulutly everything that Evan's not. He's incredibly sweet, and unbeleivably thoughtful. He's the perfect boyfriend, and he likes me so much. There's something missing though. I can't put my finger on exactly what it is... but something's not quite right. Maybe we just went to fast. I've got to give him a chance though, he really is an amazing guy. How could I possibly turn down someone like Tyler, for Evan. Besides, it's not nearly fair, Evan has years on Tyler. Something I know about myself... is that I don't handle change easily. Maybe it's just the weather, the sunlight, the fact that I see Evan so much more than Tyler. Maybe that's why I'm so drawn to Evan lately. Or maybe it's none of those. Maybe it's that I'm supposed to be with Evan. I know he still cares about me.
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| I don't like butterfingers. |
[14 Oct 2004|04:18pm] |
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mood |
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pensive |
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music |
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fear factor is on in the next room |
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i have this feeling of anticipation about this coming weekend. but i don't know why... because i don't actually have any plans. I could go to the Post STardom Deppression show at Rays fiday... but i don't much like Rays. Tylers band is playing at 321 on Saturday. Honestly I want to go really bad... but Taylor is going to have her birthday party on Saturday and there's no way i can miss that. The PSAT is on Saturday too. Not that I've studied or anything of that sort, so I'll probably do terrible... but at least I'll know what it's like for next year, and the year after that when it really counts.
Today in the hall when I was walking to my next class with Evan he calls out to Leah asking her how her dentist appointment was. That shouldn't have made me feel the way it did... but questions shot through my head like " when did he talk to her?.... does he talk to her often?.... does he like her?????" It's crazy right? That was a long time ago, and she has a boyfriend now too... so why do i get so panicked.
I was reflecting today on the bus ride home about Evan and my relationship. All the frivilous little things... all the times we hug... all the times we kiss.... all our phone conversations...
These are the kinds of things that will plague my mind if we ever break up... the kinds of things I lied awake wishing for so many nights last year. Life is so strange like that. It's kind of humbing.
You know those people that you come accross sometimes... those people that for one reason or another are so facinating, so interesting, and you know you'll never forget them because for some reason they're important to you and you feel that even if you barely talk to them... or don't even talk to them at all, someday they'll play a key role in your life. There's a lot of people in my life like that. Tyler's one of them. Even though we're really good friends, I feel like someday there'll be more. George is one of them too... he's the most facinating person i've ever met. The way he talks... the things he talks about... his interests... talents. I love him. Another person like that is Steve. I can't figure that boy out. He's just so... so genuine. Evan though he's so out there. None of these people seem fake.. like so many others i knoow.
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[13 Oct 2004|07:43pm] |
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Last night i slept up until my alarm went off. quite nice.
Evan's been looking really good lately. In his new sweatshirt. I love him so much it's unbeleivable. He get's his braces off in less than two weeks. He's got to be the sweetest guy... which is sort of strange because he's an ass. <333333
In french today we learned about the 2 cheveax (i dunno how you spell it) anyway we get to color a picture of it in our FAVORITE COLOR. It made me happy. on the little paper we write "my name is_______, and my favorite color is _______" << je m'appel Odile, et je prefere le vert.>> so cute isn't it? well i thought so. That class is so fun. even if i'm kind of bad at it.
I went to lunch with Evan today and his guy friends to Tumbleweeds. The girls went to Albertsons. I dunno what it is... i just don't feel like i really fit in with evan's friends. it's not that i couldn't... but more that its not that easy. i'm friends with them all on an induvidual basis (except for Amanda). But in a group they're all so tight. i just feel like an outsider. and i am. But i don't have much of a chance to intigrate either... because when i'm with them... well, i'm with Evan. And he has ALL my attention. Did i mention that i LOVE Evan? lunch was bleh.
Ceramics is so nice. It's keeping me sane.
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| "i caught you a delicious bass" |
[22 Aug 2004|02:21pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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tilly and the wall- reckless |
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school's gonna start in a few days here. i find it interesting that again i find myself starting the year with a boyfriend. the same boyfriend. more confident it'll last this time though. we've spent to much time together this summer. even though things are going to great, and we're so happy together... there's always going to be that seed of apprehension in the back of my mind. damn.
i've spent the last few days altering some of my clothes so they'll last another year.
pants shopping will give me cancer. i was in tears the other day after spending all day shopping and finding absoulutly nothing that fits. you'd be surprized how hard it is to find pants in long sizes. and you know... not spend 90 dollars. on that subject it isn't very easy finding shoes in a size eleven.
i've been taking drivers ed. it's surprizingly fun, for being so lame that is. evan, beth and i goof off the whole time.
holy crap, napolean dinamite is the most amazing movie i've ever seen. pure genius.
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| i haven't slept for 20 hours now |
[17 Jul 2004|09:05am] |
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i was on the phone with evan till four in the morning. woke up at 8am to give the cat her insulin, then slept again till 1. Nora came over around 5:30. tyler picked us up and we went to 321. van lueven (tyler, george, alex, (nathen) played. they did really good this time. can't wait for them to record some stuff. then no-fi played. can't even begin to explain. massive dance party. the guy's like hitler. people would do absoulutly anything he said. it rocked. i mean... i don't normally let go like that. afterwards tyler, george, alex, and josh came back to my house. they were here until 5:30 in the morning.
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| freedom |
[14 Jul 2004|01:55pm] |
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mood |
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bouncy |
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music |
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sorry about dresden ~ sick and sore |
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i have the whole house to myself till monday. nice.
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| I dreamed i stabbed a guy with a fork |
[13 Jul 2004|06:06pm] |
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So last night I had a dream. The most vivid part is when I'm on this bus, and there's this grody old guy trying to saw off my foot...all the people on the bus start helping me out by beating on him. When he comes up he's holding a fork in one hand and while i dodge his attempts to decapitate me with the saw he's got in the other, i grab his hand, turn the fork on him and plunge it into his pudgy stomach.
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| so maybe my life isnt that boring |
[26 Jun 2004|02:07pm] |
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Summer hasn't been as dreadful as i thought it would be. Last summer was hell... I barely ever left the house. Went hermit and stayed in my room for days at a time. But this summer I've done a lot of stuff. About the only downside is that Evan and I havn't hung out at all.
I've heard that George is interested in me. Now isn't that a bitch. George is such an amazing guy, and we have so much in common. We can't be together though, because the age difference stands in our way. I'm confused. I find myself not liking Evan as much... but at the same time I'm afraid to let it go. I can't really do much about it... so I suppose I'll just let things play out the way they will.
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| ahh summer |
[14 Jun 2004|01:13pm] |
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Nora and I are taking summerschool PE. Today was the first day... and I'll tell you what... we're going to be so in shape. Working out at the racket club three hours a day, four days a week, for six weeks. I'm excited... it's more fun than i thought it would be.
Yesterday I grabbed Nora and Malin and we wandered around town all afternoon. I was supposed to hang out with Evan... but he had to "paint the trailer". Which, might I add, didn't get painted yesterday. But Nora, Malin and I had a blast. Did a ton of walking... It'd be so nice to be able to drive. We ended the afternoon at Evan's house with him and Derek. Spent only an hour there. I guess it was OK. Evan was acting kind of weird. Maybe he still thinks that I like George (he's wrong), or maybe it was because Malin and Nora were there. Or maybe I'm only paranoid. Most likely the latter. Anyway... yesterday was cool. I have a roll of pictures I can't wait to get developed.
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| monday |
[07 Jun 2004|03:57pm] |
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Saturday Tyler gave me, Malin, and his girlfriend Rachel a ride to his band's show. George was there too. It was at 321, it's basically just a sort of dingy room with some stuff set up...but oddly I loved it. There were probably only twenty people there. When there was time we all played twister... hillarious by the way. I think I'm in love with George. I don't think I have any chance with him unfortunatly. The age difference probably has a lot to do with it. And Tyler wouldn't allow it....five years isn't that bad is it? Oh well, I can always wish. Anyhow... the night was awesome. I really hope it happens again soon.
It's the last Monday of this school year. um, yay?
got a new smimsuit...now I have to whore myself to someone's pool.... well not really, but i wan't to go swimming.
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| translation - "i can't [don't want to] talk right now" |
[03 Jun 2004|09:14pm] |
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Yearbooks got passed out yesterday. I didn't buy one... probably a good thing as it isn't worth $60 to me. They screwed up so many things this year, that and i'm barely in it. They even left me out of the index. As I siad, probably a good thing i didn't buy one.
Sometimes people really get to me. People who you think are your friends... who you would think should really care about you... but they do things that seem to prove otherwise. Maybe I expect to much from people. Could it be me in the wrong? That thought just occured to me.
I was in a really good mood earlier. upbeat... dancing to my music. I called Evan, which I havn't done for a while. We talked for a few minutes, but then he siad he couldn't talk and he had to go. How is it that something as trivial as that could crush my mood like it did? It was a weird feeling at the time...I'd been on a the soart of high that comes over me once in a while, and then all of a sudden I fell. I tried to shake it off... tried to dance to my music, but it just wasn't there.
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[31 May 2004|05:10pm] |
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mood |
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okay |
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music |
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Franz Ferdinand~ the dark of the matinee |
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Went shopping with Malin today. I had $120...more money than i've had at one time for maybe three years. Bought Elliot Smith's Either/or and Franz Ferdinand, new headphones, three skirts and a shirt. We went thrifting, and I still felt poor compared to Malin. I can't believe her parents let her have a credit card. She spent almost $140 dollars today. So maybe that isn't that bad, but she has no self control. We've gone shopping together many times before and it's always the same. For every cd I buy, she buys three. For every shirt or skirt I buy she buys five. Honestly it is sick. It carries into more than just spending money... but I could rant for days.
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| This is going to hurt later |
[30 May 2004|06:24pm] |
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mood |
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discontent |
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music |
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The Stills~ love and death |
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Evan came over today. At first it was a little awkward, well maybe awkward isn't the word but it was different. But then later after my family left for the baseball game and we had the house to ourselves things got more normal, well maybe normal isn't the word. I'm sure it can't be considered normal. It's such a confusing situation. At times we're as good as going out... the holding hands, touching. But then that's always countered by the times that we don't talk, or don't even acknowledge eachother. What am I supposed to think? What am I supposed to do? If it were anyone else we probably would have officially hooked up by now, but either because of our history, or our pathetic-ness...or both most likely, I don't see that happening. We'll just continue in this endless circle where there can be days like today, and then tomarrow we'll walk past eachother and not say a thing.
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| Another Saturday |
[29 May 2004|11:48am] |
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mood |
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blank |
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music |
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Elliot Smith~ Say Yes |
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The first day of a three day weekend. Schools out in two more weeks. I find it odd to think about... odd that I don't care more. My first year of high school's gone by so fast, and I really don't remember anything about it. I'm actually trying to think of a list of highlights from this year, and it isn't easy. Maybe I'll think of something later.
The only sad thing about this school year ending is that Tyler's graduating. I'm going to miss him more than I had thought. He makes me really happy and I'm very glad we met. He's almost been like an older brother to me, and yes, I realize how sappy that sounds but it's true.
I really want to hang out with Evan this weekend. At the same time I'm torn though... I don't like the "weekend girlfriend" situation, but at the same time I like being with him so much I can forget that once the school week begins we go back to casual acquaintances.
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[28 May 2004|04:48pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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music |
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neutral milk hotel~ two headed boy |
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I'm supposed to be making dinner. We're having some wierd stir fry-esque thing that i have no idea how to make because i was only half listening to my mother as she rushed out the door.
I'm also supposed to be leaving soon. Going over to a friends house for the night... I'll go into more later.
Bleh I should call Evan. He says he wants to hang out this weekend but we havn't made any plans. After he ditched me the last time we made plans... perhapse it's a good thing.
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