| dear nathan, |
[09 Sep 2007|01:05am] |
I know you'll probably never read this...but if you do, don't take any of this seriously.
it's just me venting.
:]
And don't get me wrong, i like you very very much...but well...yeah...
You, sir, are confusing. You go around saying how much you like me, and then you stop. :| And then, you get all sad and depressed, and you wont talk to me cause you think i 'wont understand'...
I, wont understand? Something you have yet to realize...even though I may seem slow, and stupid, and entirely 'blonde'. I am probably one of the most mature and intellectual individuals you will ever meet.
I have gone through so many things, it's hard not to laugh. I have hurt myself so many times, maybe not with a razor, but with other things. Bigger things. Thing is, I've been doing these things since 5th grade.
You think I don't understand what hurting is? What feeling so horrible, and yet, not having a clue what exactly is making you feel that way? Child, that has been my life the past 3 years.
I cry too much.
I scream too much.
I lay in bed, just simply wanting to die for no reason at all, too much.
I imagine my death too much.
Other's deaths too much.
And the worlds suffering in general, too much.
I may seem like this happy-go-lucky girl who is having the time of her life. But i'm not.
Nor have I been.
Nor will I ever be. Until I die.
I'm the kind of person who when they die, they are smiling, cause they are glad to go.
I'm vegan because I feel that it is one of the only things I can do to seem less selfish.
But you see..that's my major flaw.
I am, and I mean this, too nice. I treat everyone as if they mean the world to me. I try SO hard to make everyone around me happy. I have, and i'm not lying, hurt myself to make someone happy.
Because I can't stand to know that someone else is feeling anything even remotely close to what I feel almost every waking moment of my life.
When I'm happy, it's a hopeless happiness. A happiness that knows that the feeling isn't going to last long. At all.
You see Nathan, I may not hurt myself with a razor...but that doesn't mean I don't hurt. The reason I don't use a razor is because I'm not going to feel that pain. I'm already hurting too much from everything else.
And, well, if i cut myself I could have an extremely bad allergic reaction! haha.
Now, I have an idea that despite the fact that you said you would read my entire journal, you aren't...so here is a small list of why I am the way I am, and why I feel the way I do.
1. I have had too many bad relationships, one's that get my hopes extremely high then crush me into the ground. I'm not the kind of girl who cries when a boy dumps her, because I know it's coming...and so I cry the day before.
2. I have an extremely messed up family. I know you do too, but still...father's never home, mother only cares about her reputation, brother hates me for being vegan, and sister..well..yeah..we have a lot of beefs.
3. I am sick, on so many levels it's insane.
4. I have been backstabbed more times than you could ever count. And not a little thing like, my friend started dating my boyfriend...things like framing, getting hated by everyone for no reason, being purposfully hurt(physically).
5. I suffer from depression. Literally. Which means, a lot of days I just wake up feeling like I want to die.
6. I have been raped. :|
7. I grew up surrounded by idiots who did not understand me at all intellectually(the majority that is.)
8. I am known by all locally to be this AMAZING advice giver, who can't give herself any advice at all. And her problems are always too complicated, so no one else can help either.
9. I'm an insomniac. I spend literally entire nights laying in my bed thinking about everything from death to college.
10. I have learned to fear everything and nothing at the same time. Which you may be confused by, but it's true.
I have never once gone a day without being made fun of in my entire life. Even if it's not someone else, it's myself. I hate myself. I want to die every day. But I've given up on trying to end my life. Cause, if there is a heaven or a hell...i'd much rather not be screwed after I die too.
So please, TALK TO ME when you have problems. I DO understand. You just don't want me to. Cause believe me, if you think you know what wanting to die feels like...you really don't know me.
at all.
:]
ily nathan. haha.
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