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[17 Aug 2008|02:15am] |
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This is not new, this, actually, is a pattern. I do the thing I know I’m not supposed to do, I get the thing I am not supposed to want [someone gives it, I give it to myself], the rush comes, the rushrushrush, the feeling is the same, the reaction is the same, the outcome is going to be the same, the layers are the same they always have been, I think about how wrong it is, I think about all the textbook definitions, I try to hate myself, I try to be ashamed of myself, I try so hard, I try to examine it, [rushrushrush] I think, why why, why does this feel good, why is this something I need, why is the outcome always the same [the same for me, different from most everyone else, big anomaly], why, right, why. I know the why someone can give me, but haven’t found the one I can tell myself. I don’t know. It’s good, I do it, so what.
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[16 Aug 2008|12:13am] |
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oh, SERENDIPITOUS, WITH EXCLAMATIONS!!!
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[14 Aug 2008|10:51pm] |
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I've said serendipitous!!! [very exclamationy!] like two hundred times today. It didn't bring upon serendipitous-happenings, though. I keep buying myself things. I refuse to feel guilty over it.
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