The last few weeks we have had two visits by the local Elders' Quorum president, the Primary teacher of my son and the branch mission leader. And there have been thoughts.

I have been called to repent and give up my sinful lifestyle and return to the Church. Leave Kevin, leave my life, leave Craig, break up a famly that is not healthy and repent, get rebaptized and be happy in the gospel of Christ.

One thing that reminds me of was that when my friend's parents got a divorce because the bishop told his mother that she should repent from marrying a non member and she would be better off without a husband than with a non member. How bad was that? Bad.

Okay, suppose I leave Kevin. So here is what would happen. I'd lose the love of my life for a Church. Okay, let's say for the Gospel. I'd leave Craig who already has a hard time trusting adults--he has been left one too many times already. He loves me, trusts me and considers me to be a parent.

I'd lose the twins as I am not capable of taking care of two children by myself. They'd end up being raised by someone who most likely would want to take them clear across the world from me.

And with being back in the Church I'd still be second class member--a single guy without the blessings of a Temple marriage. A would never be able to love a woman the way she deserves, and yes, in that sex is included. I have my doubts (reasonable doubts) about my possible performance in bed. Well, maybe if I had sinful thoughts of other men, but then again, I am a sinner and will not make it to the highest glory for having them.

Finally I'd end up as a miderable, lonely old man, who has no one but his cats and when I die no one finds me for weeks. And once I'm dead... Well, the best that can happen is that I become a serving angel, being a second class citizen of the CK again, lonely, sepearated from the man I love. Is it worth it?