| Sunday, May 21st, 2006 |
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As you can see from the title I'm REALLY depressed. Let me tell you my story, and before you groan at any of this crap, just pay attention, it's not as cliche or stupid, I hope, as it sounds. I'll get to the meat of my problem actually, save us all a bunch of time. Basically I love this girl (groan, you say), and she of course loves her boyfriend, and anyway I feel really lonely because I've shown her a lot more love than I've shown really anyone who's not a family member. I of course feel also lonely because everyone seems to have a good relation with someone that they can fall back upon when times are rough, but I don't really feel like I have that sort of relation, even with the girl because she already has someone else and she and I are really good friends and such (which is odd, yes, I know) anyway, my family is basically not helping because of hurtful things in the past and present. My lesser friends are not helping me because they lie to me a lot. My best friend, which is the girl, is crazy and not fully there for me. I basically have given up on love almost because it just didn't work. I still have an ideal mindset but it falls apart a lot especially now a days. Oh, did I mention that everyone talking about the upcoming 'Senior Ball' and their dates and all that crap doesn't help in the slightest? Oh, and did I also mention that I've NEVER once had a girlfriend, and I mean a real girlfriend, not some stupid pre-school thing or some even stupider 2 seconds or in my case one day (middle school) thing. Yeah.... I know I sound like I'm whining and shit, but whatever, I'm trying to get my pain out there and hope someone understands me from this jumble, and don't try to sugercoat me like everyone does by saying I'm awesome or whatever, that really is getting on my nerves. |
| Wednesday, July 28th, 2004 |
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i can't stand it. im sick of this. it upsets me so much. tears me apart inside. makes me want to rip out my eyes exactly the way he has done my heart. but spending some time running in the rain at 6 a.m. definatley made me feel better. |
| Friday, October 1st, 2004 |
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I am new to this. i too am not very good at talking about my problems but I feel if I don not tell someone I will combust! I have been through more in my life than i ever would wish upon my meanest of enemies. From the time I was in 1st grade until the summer between fourth and fifth grade my half brother molested me almost daily. My 2 closest friends were recently arrested for pot because they refused to heed my warnings. Another good friend recently ran away from a home that he was in. I don't know if they have found him yet. I was recently forced to change schools and feel more alone than ever. All this and more have led to cutting, not eating, and more. I have not eaten in 3 days. I am not one of those people who just make things up to get sympathy. thank you. |
scared.| Thursday, July 22nd, 2004 |
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i find it a little weird telling people i dont know my problems but i guess it's for the better and maybe even easier to get it all out. I know I can't get evryone to like me and I know not evryone is gonna stay my friend, and as stupid this may seem I wasnt invited to a evry-year-pool party that I always go to, this year. I dont know why either. I mean me and this girl are friends we hang out and we dont fight or hate eachother, but for some reason she didn't invite me and now i feel like maybe i did something wrong and this is just how she is, i dont know it just really hurts and my two friends who are also friends with her are going. The party is today and I was at my friend jenna's house. She was invited to the party and I saw the invitation and read it, and my friend jerri didn't talk to me about it. I don't know I guess they think im a delicate little flower who can't handle anything. I hate when people think I'm weak and can't take news. This isnt a real important problem but it just makes me feel so insecure like I need to change myself in order to get invitd to things and I just can't help but wonder why?? I wasn't invited. |
crushed.| Sunday, July 18th, 2004 |
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I just joined this community not too long ago, but I never posted anything. So just wanted to say hi to all the members. I really think this community is a great way of expressing oneself and I really hope I'll benefit from it. Not much to say right now, but I'm sure I'll be posting a lot more in the near future. Thanks for taking time to read. Bye! -Alyse |
contemplative.| Monday, June 28th, 2004 |
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my school year. freshman. everything was so much better for me. 8th grade i slipped into an entire year of depression and wanted nothing to do with anyone. i knew people who were in worlds of shit and it just brought me down even further. but this year i was completely transformed. i could finally say i felt pretty and relaxed. of course there was the occasional shit from people, but nothing i couldnt get away from. i gained friends of all kinds. juniors mostly. had relationships...things were just going pretty well. now its the summer and i dont want another repeat of 8th grade. i want to get outside and hang out with friends but i have this theory about talking to people. 'if they dont call me/ IM me first, they dont want to talk to me.' so basically i havent done anything but go to concerts to hang out with friends i just happen to see there. i dont want to lose my friends and knowing im taking that chance upsets me. the only people ive really talked to are Kip and Cassie. since both my parents work they dont drive me places. not that they would anyway... cassie works at her dad's office. Kip lives in a different town. i dont have a problem walking places, but where i live is so cut off from the rest of my town it takes an unreasonable amount of time to get anywhere. i have this weird anxiety when im alone. like an oposite of social anxiety. i get in horrible moods and feel like i just got hit by a train. i know you must be thinking, if you are such great friends with these people, why dont they talk to you? well, i wish i had a reason, a way to describe my friends, but i dont. things just dont work that way around here for some reason. we usually just meet up, but since the lack of transportation, no go. ive got friends that drive but theyre usually not home because...they drive. another thing that bothers me. everyone always thinks im some giddy person. well, im not. i rarely ever get along with my parents who made a mistake that is me. so ive been told and often enough. my parents actually think im some happy kid, too. they put on this fake-ass attitude when my relatives are around and it pisses me off. its like they want me to feel inferior. im fucking 15 years old. i cant be anything but a teenager. but thats not good enough for them. i get A's and B's but they want more. sure i talk back, but why shouldnt i? just because im younger, it doesnt mean im automatically wrong. look, im not expecting any resonses, i just didnt want to post this in my regular journal and i needed to vent. im not saying im never happy, i just have problems...like everybody else. Kit. |
blah.| Tuesday, June 15th, 2004 |
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this is my first time posting in her and i'm sure i wont be my last ok well my friend has been saying lately that she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. her and i have been friends for a good 3 years. and have been inseptracble ever since. but this year we have seemed to grow apart. its been weird. she has her group of friends and i have our friend lindsay. i mean we still hang out and stuff but not as much. well since last thursday my friend said she didnt want to be my friend anymore and its all because i have been treating her like shit since i've been going out with my boyfriend thats what she has been saying then yesterday she tells me it was a joke. im all ok and we hang out and shit then today on the phone she tells me that she doesnt want to the be my friend anymore cause i annoy her too much. i have been trying to change all the things that annoy her for the better of the friendship. and its seems that the more i try the more this friendship falls apart |
| Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004 |
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a lot of people tell me how strong and amazing i am... that i've lived through all this shit in my life. i just want to scream at them that i'm weak, that if i was smart, and strong, this would have never happened. if i would have told naomi to get the fuck out my life, i wouldn't have been fucked ((quite literally, mind you)) over. if only i had been smarter back then. it's hard to imagine it happened that long ago. and it's still with me. when i wake up, while i'm at school, when i'm sitting and all of a sudden remember something... and that's another thing. my brain is so fucked up. sometimes i almost think that being drugged up was better than this. my life is amazing, fantastic, wonderful, and i'm greatful to have lyle in it. he makes it all those things... but sometimes i feel so fucking alone... i don't know anyone else like me. and people i meet either want to know everything about me, or pretend to have the same fucking problem, like it's a game. i don't like people thinking this is cool. i don't like people remarking about my life. about how i've done right, or wrong. i just want to fade away sometimes. and i end up doing it. and then i get behind. and now i'm almost in danger of fucking over my grade 12 year.... and i'm so fucking angry at myself. tomorrow i face the proverbial music. i don't care if i'm scared, or if i can "put it off another day or two" .... i'm going. |
mad at myself.
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Hello and a warm welcome to ![[info]](http://www.caleida.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} suppression.This community is here to help you and a place for you to let your emotions out. If you don't want people commenting on your entires, you just want to let things out then remove the commenting ability. Please have respect for all members. Lou, your friendly mod ^.^ |